I need you to promise me that you will not judge, nor be too jealous of me after you read what I am about to say. When I was in 6th grade, I went to a concert featuring En Vogue, Vanilla Ice and the headliner was MC Hammer. I had the Hammer pants, knew all the words and dance moves to "Can't Touch This" and even bought the cassingle, "Addams Family Groove". What I'm saying is, I had lots of love for The Hammer.

After he was no longer 2 Legit 2 Quit, and was back to just being good old Stanley Burrell, he had some money issues and became ripe for his very own E! True Hollywood Story and VH1 Behind the Music episode. When that happens, it's time for a book deal to get you out of financial misery (I'm sure Suze Orman tells everyone that).

Lo and behold, in 2003 Hammer got a book deal from major publisher Simon and Schuster to pen, Enemies of the Father: Messages from the Heart on Being a Family Man. Unfortunately for the publisher, Hammer never went through with the book. I'm gonna go ahead and applaud him for that, it sounded like a snoozefest. The thing is, publishers don't usually take kindly to people not delivering on goods that have already been paid for. So, Hammer is getting sued to the tune of $61,000.

We'll see how it all works out but the man who put diaper pants on the map doesn't seem too worried about it. Worse comes to worse, I'm sure he could rent himself out for fairly good money to be the celebrity wedding minister.

An over-enthusiastic Brit Brit fan rushed the stage at her concert in Connecticut this weekend and proved what we've known all along - homegirl isn't singing.

Honestly, he was probably just going up there to tell her he didn't spend good money to watch her lip-synch and give jazz hands. I'd be mad too.

The 80's were the best of times and the worst of times for music. For some reason, it seemed, everyone and their mother was encouraged to make their own record. My beloved Chicago Bears pro bowl winning football team was no exception. Sure, at the time I rapped and danced to "The Superbowl Shuffle", but I was also 6 years old, had a bowl cut and wanted to eat nothing but Fruit Roll-Ups for every meal. These days, the shuffle is good because it's so bad. If you want to see other horrendously terrible NFL raps, head over to Holy Taco to experience all the Zubas you can handle on some old Miami Dolphins.

After the the Bears shuffling crew made us do the hustle, advertising teams got a little more lazy. "Hey," they thought, "let's do our OWN shuffle song!" Ad campaigns should be short, sweet and scantily clad - not 4 minutes long. Unfortunately, no one explained this to the Southern Food Broker Corporation. Here they try to sell us their services - as rapped by some middle-aged white guys who sound like they're chewing their gums and the pretty office ladies (one whose name sounds like my favorite Thai dish, Pad See Eiw - listen for it).

There's this bus I ride into work that is plastered everywhere with an ad that says, "Thinking of divorce?" and then launches into a spiel about who to call and where to go. All I can ever think is, "Even if I wasn't thinking of divorce before, I am now. So is everyone else on the bus,". Those ads really take the fun out of my commute. What someone needs to do is make a FUN ad for divorce - oh wait - someone already did!

J. Michael Gallagher Esq. gives us the dramatized scenario of a couple with an incredibly small vocabulary, a similar wardrobe and differing opinions about what to watch on TV. When they see a commercial about how Mr. Gallagher helped one woman ruin her soon-to-be ex-husband's New Year, they can't get to his phone number quick enough.

According to the very trusted people over at Star Magazine who are known for their journalistic integrity, Hannah Montana star Cody Linley has been trying to do more than just dance with the stars.

19 year-old Linley has been a contestant on the hit series, Dancing with the Stars and allegedly tried the old "play a guitar in your boxers for a girl and then move in for a quick kiss" trick on Lacey Schwimmer, one of the dance experts on the show. Lacey was understandably creeped out and got out of his trailer with quickness.

Later on in the night, Cody was somehow allowed to get his underage mitts on some adult beverages at a private party for the DWTS show. His liquid courage must have been mixed with stupidity because he went on to hit on yet another dancer, 32-year-old Kym Johnson.

Who could've guessed that appearing on Hannah Montana wouldn't get a guy more action with the ladies?

It seems as though El Debarge was the hardest hit by the news of the impending remake of "The Last Dragon". I'm sure that's what lead to the singer (whose song "Rhythm of the Night" was featured in the film) to go out and score some crack. Ok, so maybe that's not accurate since he was still on parole from a little cocaine incident that took place in 2001.

What the hell happened to him? He used to be a cute, sweet, cuddly-looking, mullet-having pop star. Haven't these celebrities learned anything? Take it from Whitney Houston - crack is whack.

There are so many disturbing things to talk about in this video of a McCain supporter carrying a sock monkey with an Obama sticker attached to it:

First of all, if you're going to be a racist d-bag, at least have the guts to stick to your idiotic convictions. When you notice that you're being filmed, don't try to hide yourself under the guise of just being a creepy old man giving a sock monkey (that you just happened to have in your pocket) to the little boy in front of you.

Secondly, HOW PERVY does that guy look? If I'm the little boy's parent, I'm wondering why there's a bloated old man giving my son a toy. It's not like the old dude came with someone age-appropriate for the toy and he didn't come with enough for the rest of the class. Just look at the little boy's face - even he thinks it's a little weird and he got a toy monkey out of the deal.

Thirdly, how much does this guy look like the love-child of Karl Rove and the old Six Flags guy?

Just sayin'.

I mean really, as far as celebrity mug-shots go - this one really isn't all that bad. She still looks better than I do when I wake up in the morning after a long night of sipping herbal tea and have eyeliner boogies hanging on for dear life in the corners of my eyes.

My older sister used to babysit me and forced me to sit through hours of "Dynasty". I was more of a "Double Dare" kind of kid - it wasn't until years later that I spent any time giving thought to the lifestyles of the rich and famous. One year, she even had a "Dynasty"-themed birthday party and all of her friends got all glitzed up. I was allowed to invite a friend over, so she and I decided to play assassins. We took permanent black markers and drew all over our faces and then used toy guns to do a reenactment of the wedding massacre.

Anywho, no details yet about what exactly was in Locklear's system but I'm guessing it's nothing a double cheeseburger couldn't have helped.

News of Dennis Quaid's cheating on Meg Ryan during their marriage is slightly more entertaining than this year's Emmys. The only thing I'm surprised about is how long it took for this to be confirmed. I mean, look at him, he's grade A man meat and she is...quirky at best.

I guess Dennis was happy to bump uglies with other women and keep up the facade of a happy marriage - until, of course, Meg decided to say oh hells to the naw. Enter Proof of Life costar Russell Crowe and all of a sudden Dennis wants out. Well, I'm sorry they couldn't make things work but I'm even sorrier that there isn't anything more newsworthy going on today.

The world is an amazing place. A 33 year-old woman from Wisconsin stole her daughter's identity and enrolled in high school. Not only did she sit in on classes but she also signed up for the cheerleading squad - a bold move even for a 15 year-old. If we can learn one thing from all of this, it's that just because you can fit into clothes from Forever 21 it doesn't mean you can pull off the look. I'm sure she came up with this brilliant identity theft plan after putting on a pair of leggings and a button down.

Just look at that lady! She should've been trying to hang out with the stoners not the cheerleaders! I'm sure she could've passed in that group - or at least they wouldn't have cared. It's not like her stoner friends would've missed out on competing in a State Joint Rolling Competition. The cheerleaders had way too much to lose.

Color Me Badd just got colored a little bit more bad. Their former front man, Bryan Abrams, was arrested last Friday. After drinking too much of pappy's cough syrup Abrams allegedly punched his girlfriend in the face and threatened to kill her. Serious party foul. I only saw one episode of that VH1 show he did last year and I know he was battling alcohol addiction. I'm guessing his sobriety lasted a shorter period of time than it must've taken him to grow out his over-tweezed eyebrows.

Here's a look back at the good old days when we could sing about sexy times.

Looks like Mackenzie Phillips's E! True Hollywood Story just added another chapter. The actress has had a long battle with drug addiction and right now the drugs are winning. Phillips was arrested at LAX this morning for bringing baggies of cocaine and heroin through airport screening. Homegirl forgot those screeners aren't just looking for toothpaste, deodorant or too many tampons these days.

Let's hope the inevitable rehab works this time.

It's been a really long day but for some reason I can't stop thinking...Alanis Morisette wrote the song "You Oughtta Know" about Dave Coulier? Seriously? This guy?

I know some of my friends (well one really) loves "Uncle" Joey, but I just don't see the appeal. Can someone tell me what I'm missing out on? Oh, and the Jackelope voice he does takes away at least ten hot/cool/charming points, so you'll have to work really hard to change my opinion. And.....GO.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but really why stop there?

Either they just went on a fancy date to Old Country Buffet or that topless chick is preggers. Now, what will happen when their child finds this? Or worse - the child's friends? I wonder what possessed them to pose in this manner but I'm guessing Annie Liebowitz has something to do with it. You know that girl was looking back at a copy of Demi Moore on the cover of Vanity Fair thinking, "Hey, we should do something like that! It will be so classy!" Just look at the way he cups her butt, now that's love I don't care what anyone else has to say.

What I'd really like to know is, where does that guy get his eyebrows done? They are FLAWLESS! Also, is she wearing special maternity jeans or did she just unbutton her pants, because it kind of looks like the latter. I'm just sayin'.

As if Monopoly couldn't get any more boring, Universal Pictures is now thinking about making a MOVIE about it. Hopefully it will take less time to sit through than it does to play the actual game.

Please Hammer, don't hurt us...It seems as though Reality Television only prepares its "stars" for more Reality Television. Let's call it the Real World/Road Rules Career Path as it seems as though the only thing those fools are good for is appearing on a Real World/Road Rules Challenge. M.C. Hammer, ruler of the Hammer Pant, has already appeared on VH1's The Surreal Life and is now shopping around a reality program based on the ups and downs of his life.

Ok, so this is really funny

....BUT where the HELL was this spelling bee when she was trying to spell tasty? She's Fergalicious, but according to her she is T-A-S-T-E-Y.

Come on Fergs, when you're doin it for the children, do it right.

Lindsay Lohan freed from jail in less time than it takes to sit through Georgia Rule. Sure, her drunk driving is considered a non-violent crime (until you kill someone), but can't they add some extra time to be served for committing such a stupid crime? Celebrities like Lohan have all the money in the world; they can't afford a limo service? If they're afraid the pappo is going to chase them in something so flashy can't they call someone to pick them up in a Subaru or one of those new minivans with the cool seats that let you sit backwards so as to keep things on the DL? Why do they insist on getting shnockered and then taking to the streets? What's to keep them from doing it again when they barely get a slap on the wrist? The worst part of LiLo's punishment was that she had to be awake before noon in order to carry out her sentence.

Does this mugshot make me look fat?

I think all of the alcohol is making our LiLo a little bloated. This was her mugshot a mere 4 months ago! While she's on the market for a chauffeur someone needs to tell her to get a full-time makeup artist as well. Her foundation is doing nothing for her, in fact it just makes her look more orange than her real gingerness needs to be. And is it just me, or did somebody get some lip injections?

I would think that after getting used to taking a police photo a few times you'd get to know which angles look best, right? Am I wrong for thinking that her first police fashion shoot looked better?

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie got it right. See how Paris found the light in her second shot?

Nicole not only changed her hair, she also realized that her first mugshot made it look like she didn't have a neck so she put her hair up and tilted her head juuuust slightly upwards. Nicely done.


Something tells me these won't be the last LiLo po po photos, I'm just hoping she smiles next time.