Chubby Jones

Parents, screw giving your kids the "Just say no to drugs" speech we have more important things to worry about. You see this shit all over your local Six Flags theme park, Denny's and now apparently on your favorite crack-addicted singer:

LOOK AT THIS

What kind of mouth gave Amy Winehouse that sucker punch? Is she dating that thing from Tremors? Seriously, THIS is what's wrong with the world. Hickeys obviously lead to crack-smoking meth heads - not the other way around. Cute purse though.

This past weekend I went mall shopping for the first time in ages. Being in front of a computer all day will make you realize waiting in line behind parents who can't control their children just doesn't seem like the better option. I had one item on my "wish" list and that was the new and exciting game, Wii Fit. Plug it in, exercise and have fun ALL AT THE SAME TIME!! I was so excited I could barely contain myself. In fact, everyone was excited for me. The girl shopping with her mother at American Eagle; the boys working at the skateboard shop; the middle-aged women lost in the maze of the department store - all of them stopped in their tracks and either asked me about my new prize or loudly stated their want and need of this product.

Once out of the box and set up on the floor it was time to do the impossible: make exercise fun. Now, here is the advice I have for anyone with self esteem that is less than fantastic: DO NOT STEP ON THE Wii FIT WITH ANYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM. Hell, you may want to skip that whole setup thing in the first place. Somehow I ended up being obese with the "Wii fit age" of 44. Now, there is nothing wrong with being an obese 44 year-old; it's just that I am not one. On top of this, the Mii that I made for myself bloated up on screen to make my character match the obese 44 year old that I now was in real life. That is cruel. Ok, it was a little bit funny, but also cruel.

How are you supposed to rebound from something like that? Apparently by doing some weird balance tests that don't make a ton of sense and then tell you that you probably trip over your feet while walking. If I wanted humiliation I would've just hired a dominatrix.

In this month's edition of Cosmo Carmen Electra is doling out advice for ladies who need help attracting the male species. My question is, do you really want to take advice from someone who is about to get married for the THIRD time? I mean, she can obviously attract the men but shouldn't you be concerned with what type of man she is attracting? I mean, it's kind of like asking one of the Spears sisters for birth control advice - no?.

Carmen Elektra is getting married again and she's not straying from her tendency to marry men who like to wear makeup. You may remember she was briefly married to basketball bad boy Dennis Rodman, and Jane's Addiction guitarist Dave Navarro; she is now engaged to guitarist Rob Patterson who apparently has an on-again off-again relationship with the band Korn. Let's start placing bets on how long this will last.

Tom Cruise will be making his way back to the couches at the Oprah Winfrey show. His last appearance was the famous (and ridiculous) couch--jumping Oprah-grabbing proclamation of his love for Katie Holmes. You have to wonder what exactly is going on in his mind. I do. Sometimes I lay awake at night, thinking back to the good old days when Tom wasn't crazy. Remember when his movies didn't suck? Remember when he didn't take too many pictures that resembled this:

Teen queen Miley Cyrus has been asked to pen her memoirs. This girl is 15 years old, what the HELL are her memoirs going to tell us? I mean, she probably just got her period for the first time a month ago, what does she have to write about? I think Jamie Lynne Spears has more to say in a memoir by now, and more time on her hands since she doesn't have much of a career. Where is her book deal?

The people at On Harvard Time speak to the Turdblossom.

Setting: A (probably) wealthy suburb, perhaps in Orange County. A dance studio filled with children whose parents are looking on with glimmers of Hollywood in their eyes. Here are their daughters who they put makeup on at a very young age. Here are their boys who stink at team sports but hip hop and jazz seem like a safer option than ballet.

I hate these people. With a passion. Here is why:

Now, I'm sure they think their kids are gonna go all Star Search or America's Got Talent, but do they know what song these kids are dancing to? Do they have any clue what it means to "Superman that ho"?

After Jay Leno sparked some controversy with his ignorant "gayest face" remark, David Letterman must've been hankering for some of the same negative attention.

The gap-toothed doof actually had some funny things to say on his top ten list of "messages left on the pregnant man's answering machine". But when he gets to the number 1 message, he basically calls Beatie, the pregnant man, an "androgynous freakshow".

There is already so much hate being spewed at gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people, do we really need to fan the flames with something like this? That's just completely irresponsible.

Looks like Jay Leno has flapped that big chin of his a bit too much and pissed off a whole lotta people in the process. Jay had Reese Witherspoon's ex, Ryan Phillippe, on his show the other night and asked the actor to give him his "gayest look".

I wasn't sure what the gayest look might look like, but LUCKILY some people (Jeff Whitty of Avenue Q fame and Melissa McEwan of Shakesville.com) have helped us out. Now there is a whole gallery of gay looks for everyone, especially Jay, to get a good look at.

There are many reasons why we don't like Perez Hilton, like the way he calls Katherine Heigl an idiot just because she doesn't like to discuss politics. We here at Chubby Jones don't like to talk about politics either. Why? Because we don't know enough about it to really make an educated parody.

He had a lot of crappy things to say about Lily Allen after she miscarried but was surprisingly kind when she was still pregnant. He doesn't have anything intelligent to say; his Photoshop skills are lacking and somehow he was able to get his hands on the new Tilly and the Wall video before we were. We've always been big fans of the cute kids from the Team Love label. Heck, we've sat next to their merchandise table and gotten to exchange a few words and a few more glances with them. We've even considered taking tap dancing lessons past our prime just because they made it hip. What Perez didn't tell you is that this song is a bit of a departure for these adorable musicians. While their music has always been fun and nostalgic (they can paint a picture of childhood so clearly it makes you long for overalls, tube socks and Tang) it has never been so electronic. We dig the Rainbow Briteness of Beat Control and overall danceability but don't think it can even compare to the CSS Remix of The Freest Man (mp3). Either way, it's still hot.

Tori Spelling is pregnant again and it seems as though her need for attention is getting more realistic, as she is realizing the only way for her to still be relevant is to talk about the more popular actors and actresses from Beverly Hills 90210. The former Donna Martin is publishing an autobiography and within its pages reveals that bad girl Shannon Doherty and Jenny Garth once got into an actual fistfight during a heated argument. She also says that, "(Luke Perry) called me 'Camel' because I had long eyelashes. Trust me, Luke Perry can call you 'Camel' and make it sexy." No no, trust us Tori, it wasn't about your eyelashes, and in no way are camels or their eyelashes sexy. Kudos to Luke for pulling that off though!

Speaking of Luke Perry, we had the fortune of catching him in the 1992 Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie this weekend. Who remembered that future Oscar winner, Hilary Swank was in this movie? David Arquette may have given audiences his finest performance for this movie. Not only did we forget how much we loved this movie, but also how well Kristy Swanson rocked the mom jeans and leggings!

The Brit Awards had some high profile performances (and we're not talking Britney Spears awards, those were already handed out and her pink wig-wearing personality went home with all of the prizes). Mika won as the Best Breakthrough Artist of 2008. Here he sings with The Gossip's lead singer, and one of Chubby's faves, Beth Ditto.

The tuxedo pants just aren't doing it for us. The Mr. might be a sister, but he missed some of the fashion sense many of the Marys are blessed with. He can't pull off the high-pitched Bee Gee's throwback voice and high theatrical value that Scissors Sisters frontman Jake Shears pulls off so effortlessly either.

Beth Ditto on the other hand, can belt it out like no one's business. She may be larger than life (and that might not be the most flattering of outfit choices), but her talent is larger than life as well. Mika, ruined her freaking song.

We wish we could play this game with Mika's head, but yet again, the Scissor Sisters out-do him.

Paris Hilton celebrated her birthday (what is she, like 50 by now?) by getting nice and sleezy in Las Vegas's Pure Nightclub. The talentless heiress whose fame rests on the brim of a martini glass, trashed it up with The Pussycat Dolls. She donned dominatrix gear and posed as (what we can only assume is) her very own Madame Tussaud's wax figure.

Where are her true friends? If she had any, they'd be telling her to stop making an ass of herself. Maybe they just let her do her thang, not wanting to make her feel even worse about how her movie, The Hottie and the Nottie, was named the worst movie in history.

Now, consider this: if Christine Lakin had been the one to play the "Hottie", and Paris took her rightful place as the "Nottie", we're almost positive the movie would have done better. We would've shelled out at least $5 to rent it, or if we were desperate enough, would've found our way to a movie theater after a bar crawl. Truth be told, we heard that the worst movie in history (which also starred Paris) was her sex tape.

Rumor has it that Nelly Furtado is preggers again, maybe that's why we couldn't even recognize her at the Grammys. The glow normally associated with getting knocked up translated into her wearing too much bronzer.

Belle and Sebastian - Another Sunny Day (mp3)

Geri Halliwell ruins our weekend by dashing all of our hopes and dreams of paying lots of $$ to see the Spice Girls play another tour. The good news is, we'll always have Spice World to turn to during the dark times of spice drought.

Matmos - Steam and Sequins for Larry Levan (mp3)
Baby Walrus - Ghostish (mp3)

Incredible artist Jim Denevan creates short-lived masterpieces in the sand. He does everything freehand with a stick he finds on whatever beach he is combing. It is incredibly hard to believe he can be so exacting without the aid of any measuring tools. We're guessing he doesn't suffer from ADD.

No Kids - The Beaches All Closed (mp3)
Kid 606 - Fabulous Muscles (mp3)

There was a little bit of love lost at the Grammys this last Sunday when Beyonce introduced Tina Turner as "The Queen". Apparently Aretha Franklin, "The Queen of Soul" was a bit miffed to see the crown being taken from her head and placed upon Turner's. Now, we loves us some Aretha, she taught us what it means to be made to feel like "A Natural Woman". But really? She's upset that someone else was called a queen? Has she seen Tina Turner? No offense to Ms. Franklin - but we'd be honored to be a part of Turner's royal party. Aretha's legs aren't insured by Lloyd's of London - and we're pretty sure none of her other body parts are either.

Here is a video of Beyonce's offending intro...we really can't understand what the big deal is.

Mia: I can't stop watching this

Mia: It never gets old...or any less creepy

Jackie: is it the Tom Cruise video that's being emailed around?
OH, the old one!
There's apparently this new weird video of him talking about Scientology

Mia: that's REALLY creepy

Jackie: Tom is such a nutcase and Katie is totally brainwashed
free Suri!

Mia: seriously Suri looks like she's like 30 years old

Jackie: and Katie looks about 45...oh, yeah, and he goes backstage and mauls Katie
SO WEIRD like she's his prisoner
like, "look, AmericaI swear I'm not gay or crazy
I get a gay vibe from him, and also a crazy vibe
he tries way too hard and seems so awkward around women

Mia: I mean he is SOOOOOOO gay and sooooooooo crazy
I heard that he like makes her make out with him in public

Jackie: and why is the audience applauding this behavior
I'm sure but you know, it makes me hate her that much more

Mia: I mean, if I'm in the audience, I think I barf

Jackie: because either:
1. she really is brainwashed, loves Tom, and loves Scientology
OR
2. she signed a contract
and she is a shameless money-grubbing famewhore
EITHER WAY she loses all my respect

Mia: I'm going with the contract

People Magazine's Headlines of the Damned

What is wrong with People Magazine? I'm convinced that someone over there is letting their interns take over the headlines since this morning's e-blast stated that "Jessica Alba Says Pregnancy is 'Awesome'". Of COURSE it's awesome, getting preggers is all the rage these days, just ask Jamie Lynn Spears, Jessica Sierra and all of the other pregnant teens who contribute to the U.S. having the highest rate of teen pregnancy and births in the western industrialized world. We've got soooooo much awesomeness here, Ms. Alba, you don't have to tell us!

In other, "who cares" headlines this week, we learn that Katie Holmes says "Nicole's (Kidman) Pregnancy is 'Wonderful'". WHY DO WE OR NICOLE CARE WHAT KATIE "freaktastic" HOLMES FEELS ABOUT HER PREGNANCY???? Can someone please explain this to me? I mean, just because Nicole used to be held captive by married to Tom Cruise, why does Katie get to weigh in on the topic? Is it because back in December Katie told People, "Tom's Kids with Nicole 'Call Me Mom'"? You bitch! I'm sure that's what every mother in the world wants to read in a national magazine, that their children's stepmom is now being called "Mom". Truth be told, if I were Nicole and my kids were being raised by a midget scientologist with a penchant for crazy outbursts and jumping on Oprah's couch, I'd probably just cut the non-existent umbilical chord and call it a day.

Another One Bites the Dust

Is Pamela Anderson in some secret competition with Elizabeth (whisper "whiiiiiite diiiiiamonds") Taylor? She and hubby of four months, Rick Salomon, have officially called it quits. Didn't you all know, marriage is the new dating!

By now you all probably know what a reality television junkie I am but what you may not know is that I have really great taste. Of course, after I tell you how obsessed I am with the show, Crowned, I fear that I may lose your trust altogether. Please, hear me out and consider this: Some of the moms and daughters are CRAZUH. Yes. Crazuh. What's not to love when there is a show with maniacal disillusioned people living in the same space as "normal" people? Does anyone remember Ripsi from the Bad Girls Club (quite possibly one of the worst and best things I've ever seen on tv...hot hot mess)? Please understand that you must separate the crazies from the bitches, the two do not always go hand in hand although on this show, the crazies are also bitches (which makes it even better in my book). Do you need visual proof? Look at the clips Jezebel strung together from this week's episode. The daughters were asked to come up with a 1-minute fitness routine to be performed with their mothers. The look on the ginger-daughter's face throughout the routine makes me want to pee my pants. It looks like the judges wet their seats a bit as well. The high kick at the end of the routine with the "Eeeeeyaaaah" exclamation seals the deal for me and also reminds me of the "Hey EEEEaaaaaaaaaaah" Howard Dean mash-up from a few years ago.

The soulless red-headed plastic women keep insisting that they are the best looking duo on the show. These women are so far from being in touch with reality, it actually makes this show more realistic than the others out there. I'm not sure if they are trying to make themselves feel better for the price of any "work" that's gotten done or if they think that if they believe it hard enough it will actually be true. As my mom pointed out to me on the phone the other night, these are sad individuals with no talent. Yes, I like them that way. It makes me feel brilliant.

Now, since it is almost Christmas time (which means seeing a movie and eating Chinese food to me) I will leave you with a must-have Christmas playlist. If it were up to me, I'd probably just listen to Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" on repeat like I did last year, but this year Sufjan Stevens came out with his own Christmas album. Go ahead and add this to your egg nog.

Mariah Carey
All I want for Christmas is you
The ULTIMATE Christmas song of all time.

N'Sync
You Don't Have to be Alone (On Christmas)
No, you can hang out with the other people in your boy band.

Miss Piggy
Santa Baby
Christmas is important to muppets too.

Run DMC
Christmas in Hollis
Light up the tree, not the streets yo.

Kelly Clarkson
Oh Holy Night
A mixtape isn't a mixtape without some Kelly Clarkson.

Keith Sweat
Be Your Santa Claus
Oh I bet you will Keith Sweat, I bet you will.

Otis Redding
White Christmas
Listen to while making your cookies.

The Kinks
Father Christmas
Rock n' Roll dude.

Stevie Wonder
The Christmas Song
Stevie is like the star at the top of the tree.

Dear Santa,

Thank you for the fodder you have brought me this holiday season. Particularly in the land of babies out of wedlock and marriages falling to shambles before the "I do"s were even uttered from celebrity lips.

After just two months of marriage, Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Rick Salomon. They are apparently "working things out" now, but I'm pretty sure after seeing the picture taken of them shopping together on Monday, Salomon may just want to keep the divorce in process. I can only imagine him thinking, "I married PAMELA ANDERSON and I got THIS??". The couple was apparently married in Vegas during a break between magic shows that Anderson was performing in. My guess is that they were hoping that some of the magic would rub off on the chances of their marriage being a success.

Speaking of magic, it also seems as though the Spears sisters were relying on some kind of birth control magic to keep their ovaries under control. 16 year old teeny bopper Jamie Lynn Spears is preggers with her boyfriend's baby. Were Britney and Jamie Lynn raised by rabbits? It seems as though all they know how to do is be marginally good at acting and dancing, but REALLY good at doing the bedroom tango. So with all of this happening, it couldn't come as a shock that momma Lynne Spears's parenting book is being put on hold. Maybe she should be writing a Kama Sutra book instead?

British babe Lily Allen and hottie Jessica Alba are getting cribs ready for some new arrivals as well.

Not that they need this mix, but you might. It is most certainly snuggle season, which might call for some Baby Makin' Music

Pony - Ginuwine
He may have terrible spelling when it comes to his name, but this slow jam is sexy

Brown Skin - India Arie
I don't care what color skin you've got, this song is HOT!

Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
You might want to purchase the video as well

Do Me! - Bel Biv Devoe
Smack it up flip it rub it down

Feel Like Makin' Love - D'Angelo
The name says it all

I Feel Love - Donna Summer
There is nothing wrong with adding a little disco to the bedroom

Naughty Girl - Beyonce
Oh! Did I just type that out loud?

Don't Stop - Brazilian Girls
Well...the Spears girls might want to stop.

It seems as though we're getting farther and farther from reality on "Reality TV" these days. Nothing surprises me more though, than allegations about Tila Tequila being completely straight. Ms. Tequila is supposed to be the prize (and what a prize she is) to a lucky bachelor or bachelorette on her hit MTV show, "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila". According to the show's premise she is a bisexual single, trying to find Mr. or Mrs. right by seeing how far they'll go to be with her, like when she made them eat animal eyeballs and testicles. Nothing says lovin' like eating an animal's no no parts! To make matters worse, the Myspace star is said to have a boyfriend of over five years. Eh? Are you trying to tell me the tears being shed on that show are FAKE?

Speaking of fake, it looks like MTV has completely put music behind itself and is now only interested in making "quality" fake reality tv series. More fictional love-interests have been set up for "The Hills" star Lauren Conrad as she treks around Paris. Ah, the city of romance.

Looks like Lindsay Lohan is hitting the recording studio, although probably not as hard as she's hitting the bottle...And by bottle, I mean mysteriously orange tanning cream bottle. I'm guessing her next role will be in yet another remake of "Charlie and Chocolate Factory" as an Oompa Loompa.

In a bit of incredibly strange news, we learn that at some point American Idol judge Paula Abdul's urine sample was stolen out of her gynecologist's office by one of her biggest fans. He was fired for doing this but my guess is that he was really just trying to protect Paula from any drug tests that may have been performed.

Sadness hit the catwalk of Project Runway as Jack Mackenroth eliminated himself for health reasons. The only good that we can take with the bad is that he has left us with a SENSATIONAL YouTube video that I will watch probably all weekend.

...and all my brain wants is celebrity gossip right now.

Not that this should come as a surprise *SPOILER ALERT* but I have some news for you Tila Tequila fans...we're in for a second season. Yep, Tila will not rest until she has dated at least half of the country. Now, if you read the cattle call *ahem* casting call bulletin you'll notice a couple of things that I find highly interesting.

1- They call the show "MTV's sexual stereotype shattering reality show". Have they watched the show? There is nothing stereotype shattering at all. If anything, it enforces the stereotype that girls get into catfights, guys are raging with testosterone and bisexual people are greedy.

2- They don't say you have to be 21 years old to be on the show, just that "...you appear to be at least 21 years old,". Scandalous no?

In what is even sadder reality news, American Idol star Kelli Pickler may not know her backside from her elbow.

I'm sure her voice is great, but shouldn't our American Idol contestants need to pass some kind of intelligence exam before we have them representing us? I'm sure William Hung would've made a much better idol.

I think HE bangs.