Question. Why is it that a convicted murderer is allowed to request certain amenities from behind jail bars? Maaaaan FUNK DAT!

Phil Spector has been transferred out of North Kern State Prison to the comforts of the California Substance Abuse Treatment Facility and State Prison at Corcoran and is making out his wish-list for his wife to bring in a care package. Somehow, this is commonplace at this facility and I am flabbergasted. It's not like he is incarcerated because of his hairpiece (even if he should be)...

...homeboy killed somebody and now, "He wants a TV and an iPod or something like that for listening to music," his wife, Rachelle Spector, said Tuesday. "And he would like to be able to receive e-mail."

Well, I've got news for Phil and the California penal system, I bet Lana Clarkson would have liked all of those things too, but she's dead. I bet there are homeless children who would forgo any of that, in favor of some food and shelter - and they haven't done anything wrong. Why are inmates like this coddled? Why should they be allowed to have some of the finer things in life, like an iPod or television to take their mind of off the crimes they've committed? Why do they get to enjoy reruns of Weeds and Dexter for free while I can't even write them off as a business expense (and who do I talk to about that)? As far as I'm concerned, he and the rest of the inmates should be spending all day looking at themselves in the mirror for the next 19 years. That might be punishment enough.

Seriously? Bowling is boring enough to watch, why make it worse with random chatter and a little bit of album promotion. Chris says he "aint a monster" (obviously referencing his fist's run-in with Rihanna's face). Really Chris? Then why must you terrorize me with your boring chatter and bad bowling?

When it comes to the Rihanna incident though - he says that everyone who is a hater now, was never a true fan to begin with. I dunno Chris, there's just something about domestic violence that didn't sit well with me. I was a big fan. I even watched This Christmas because you were in it (and it wasn't very good). Next time start with the man in the mirror (you should be familiar with that since you're a big Michael Jackson fan) and give yourself some haterade.

Usher is a true class act. Back in the day when he and TLC's "Chilli" were knockin' boots, he famously cheated on her and then went on to write songs about it. It seemed like he may have turned a new leaf after getting married and having two babies with wife Tameka Foster.

Last month - Tameka suffered a heart attack while in Brazil for some routine liposuction and has been recovering since. Last night, Usher was photographed partying it up in France with some scantily clad models, popping champagne and taking a few pictures of his own.

Homeboy must've taken some sensitivity classes from Chris Brown, no wonder he retracted his statements about Brown needing to show some remorse. Considering the fact that your wife obviously feels as if she needs to get some tummy work done (and almost died for it) this isn't gonna make her feel any better.

Note to Usher: Grow a backbone and/or strap on a set dude. I'm not a huge fan of Usher Raymond to begin with - he did cheat on my favorite member of TLC (Chilli for anyone taking notes) back in the day and sometimes his face reminds me of a troll doll. Still, I was about to give him some love for recent comments he made in response to seeing pictures like THIS of Chris Brown partying it up in Miami just a little while after his fist (allegedly) met Rihanna's face:

And THIS:

I mean seriously, even if you didn't give your girlfriend the beat down but everyone thinks you did, would you really be making faces like this:

He is just having the time of his life out there! So, I was going to give Usher the Captain Obvious award for saying he's, "a little disappointed" after seeing the shots of Brown vacationing. "Have a little bit of remorse, man." But no, he had to go and let me down by APOLOGIZING for making that statement. He released the following, "The comments made during a recent recording session amongst friends were taken out of context and blown out of proportion. I apologize on behalf of myself and my friends if anyone was offended. The intentions were not to pass judgment and we meant no harm. I respect and wish the best for all parties involved."

Don't apologize for what you said! Own it. Why is everyone dancing around the situation like we need to pet Chris Brown on the head and tell him it's ok, he's a good boy, he just made a mistake. He didn't just throw a pie in her face and ruin her makeup - he turned her face into a hamburger (allegedly). If he didn't do it, he should be cuddled up with his sweetie applying frozen peas to her bruises and massaging her feet while proclaiming that he's going to get the person who really did do this to her. Man up Hollywood.

There have been reports clogging up the internet today that it was indeed Rihanna who was the subject of Chris Brown's domestic abuse. There is never any good excuse to hit a woman (or anyone for that matter) but some are saying Chris was angry at Ri Ri for giving Brown a case of the love blisters. Word to the wise - if you don't know what to give your loved one this upcoming Valentine's day, don't give them the gift that keeps on giving.

I'm hoping this is all a bunch of hullaballoo, Rihanna is one of my all-time favorite girl-crushes. Chris better watch his back, I'm sure Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, Lil Bow Wow, Lil Romeo and the rest of the Lils will be ready to help Chris with his high notes.

Look at what he did to Ali Landry.

Mario Lopez's ex-wife Ali Landry used to be the curvaceous, stunning Doritos girl. Now she needs to eat a few bags of Doritos just to be recognizable.

Who in their right mind puts a list together that has the words "hottest" and "tots" together (when "tots" refers to young children)? Forbes.com, that's who! It is bad enough to have a list dedicated to the "hottest" babies but don't slap me in the face by putting Suri Cruise at #1. Give me Shiloh, Cruz, Matilda or Kingston first - not Suri. I know, I shouldn't be mean. She's just a little girl, it's her parents that are insane.

To get to their results, the magazine "looked at both press clippings and Web presence for more than 50 A-list kiddies (5-years-old and younger) over the course of a year. Then, with a whittled down list, we reached out to Los Angeles, Calif.-based polling firm E-Poll Market Research for both awareness data for the kids and consumer appeal rankings for their celebrity parents." Apparently since the economy is going south they predict the world will find comfort watching these children grow up. Sure, when I try to scrounge for change in the couch to get that $5 footlong from Subway but can only come up with $3.25, I take comfort in the fact that Jessica Alba's baby stroller costs more than one month of my rent. Happy days are here again!

Anyway, here are the "hottest" babies in Hollywoodland today:

1. Suri Cruise
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt
5. Sam Alexis-Woods
6. Cruz Beckham
7. Matilda Rose Ledger
8. David Banda
9. Sean Preston Federline
10. Sam Sheen

I curse the day I ever found Stephen Baldwin even mildly attractive (it was those damn Pauly Shore movies). According to TMZ, the outspoken born-again Christian has tattooed his body with Hannah Montana's initials as part of a bet with Miley Cyrus. Miley and Stephen met at some White House gathering (President Bush must be a big Hannah Montana and Bio-Dome fan as well) and Ms. Cyrus told Stephen she would let him do a cameo on her hit Disney show if he got a Hannah Montana tattoo. She must've thought he wouldn't be stupid enough to actually go through with it - but boy was she wrong! In the ultimate lose-lose bet, Stephen got an "HM" tattooed on his shoulder. Sucks to be you Miley!

Do you remember when I told you all about how the Olsen twins were coming out with a book? Yeah, well that day has arrived and the girls could not have looked less enthusiastic. They've been in the public eye for what, 50 years now? And yet, I don't think I've ever seen them show a real smile.

I'm sure they missed out on a good portion (or all) of a real childhood but now they can take it easy. It's time to sit back and relax, develop a drug addiction, go to rehab, develop a different addiction or just do things for the fun of doing them. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like these girls do anything for fun because their book launch signing came with many rules and regulations for fans to follow.

According to the list of rules obtained by the NY Post, fans were expected to be mute and Mary-Kate and Ashley weren't going to open their mouths either. There was no question and answer session. They would not sign anything other than their book and only one book per person was allowed for signing. Oh, and no photography.

What's the point of going to a book signing if the author you are a fan of isn't going to acknowledge your existence? Where is Uncle Jesse to teach these girls some manners?

I know what you're thinking, "Mia, you're not a man! Or at least I didn't think you were!" and you'd be correct. Still, if I were a man, Michael Lohan would be a better one than me. I know this because if there were people lurking around every corner willing to pay big bucks to beat the crap out of me, I would just hide in a Uhaul storage locker for all of eternity. Not Michael Lohan. He is heading to the boxing ring to let someone upper cut his crazy mug for charity!

What I wouldn't do for a million dollars right now. I'm sure Samantha Ronson was trying to get as many DJ gigs as possible for a chance to step into the ring with this fool. Of course, that may have violated the restraining order Lindsay put out against him. Long Island businessman Bob Venero will be putting the gloves on to beat Lohan down. His job title sounds kind of dorky, "CEO of Future Tech Enterprise", but I'm hoping he was once an Olympic fighter or something. Maybe he can spank some sense into Michael. This might be the only time in my life I've ever been interested in boxing (except maybe when Todd Bridges and Vanilla Ice went head to head).

David Duchovny is out of rehab for his sex addiction and can now go back to only playing a sex addict on TV's Californication. Poor Tea Leoni, I hope she puts a tight clamp around his stripper pole or gets the hell out of that marriage. When did Moulder become so irresistible to women?

Also, what is this sex rehab thing? Duchovny's lawyer says, "He successfully completed his treatment," but what does that mean exactly? He kept his hands to himself (oh I'm sure he did, many many times) for like two weeks? What happens when he's back to simulating sex with many different partners on television and he starts to twitch because he has to fulfill his urges? Tea should put one of those electric dog collars on Little David so he doesn't stray again.

Poor Britney Spears. Her career is almost on the upswing - or at least she hasn't been shaving her head, attacking people with umbrellas or speaking in a terrible British accent lately - and now this happens. Ex-boyfriend and always creep, Adnan Ghalib, is letting the world know he made a sex tape with the pop star and now the bidding wars can begin. For some reason I can picture a tub of Frappachinos being involved but that's neither here nor there.

The a-hole says, "There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries...Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further.”

The only question I have is, doesn't Britney have a say in all of this? I mean, it's not exactly just his property is it? And I want, nay NEED to know if she was aware of the taping as it went down. I'd like to think there is a special place below hell for people like him.

Last night's impossibly boring Emmy Awards are finally over. I'd like to speak to the person who came up with the idea of having all of the reality show hosts take over the ringmaster duties. I would then like to slap them across the face with a tuna sandwich. The opening sequence (besides the golden cow, Oprah) was an abomination and an insult to anything remotely entertaining. Don Rickles should've hosted the show - he was the only interesting part of the night because you couldn't tell what the hell was about to come out of his mouth.

Today I'll be mourning the loss of brain cells and time wasted.

Joe Francis, who has done nothing in life but exploit drunken college girls with his Girls Gone Wild series, is kissing some paparazzi buttocks these days. I'm not sure why anyone cares what he has to say about anything, but when asked about Kanye West's recent run-in with that paps he takes out the Carmex and puckers up. "I thought it was terrible. You guys work hard, and if anybody attacked you guys, I would kick their ass because that's BS." Really Joe? I'm guessing that if you tried to step anywhere near Kanye you'd get a fist full of pain. He goes on to say, "You guys make him famous and then he goes and does that, it just makes me angry." Woooooooah there tiger, the paps did NOT make Kanye famous. Kanye's talents, fresh lyrics and dope beats make him famous. Not everyone has cameras following them because they get girls drunk and have them show off their chimichangas. Joey Joe, you're a loser, get over yourself.

Here's the footage of Francis talking trash:

The plague that is Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt continues to spread like crabs through a frat house. Their next attempt at whoring themselves out will be through dolls which bear their likeness. Some time in the near future, you'll be able to purchase Speidi Barbie Dolls. While I'm sure the couple would prefer for you to use the dolls to backstab their other Barbie friends, I have a few other uses for them.

1) Toilet scrubber
Heidi's hair will be perfect for the spots you can see while Spencer's facial hair will be able to pound out the really hard to clean places.

2) Dog toy
So as to not hurt the animals I'll probably have to take off their accessories and clothing, but I'm sure smaller animals won't be able to resist sinking their teeth into those plastic faces.

3) Voo Doo Dolls
It will be just like one of my favorite scenes from Teen Witch when Louise Miller creates a voo doo doll of her awful teacher and makes him do inappropriate things. I can think of a few inappropriate things I'd like to make Spencer and Heidi take part in!

I'm sure the list of alternate uses for these toys is plentiful. At least now I'm not as disgusted with Mattel for agreeing to put them out.

Jerry O'Connell obviously doesn't know his way around a pregnant woman. It seems like any time he is asked about his wife, Rebecca Romijn she'll always be Stamos in my heart O'Connell, and her pregnancy, he makes sure to talk about her size. The other night Jerry was on Conan O'Brien's show and called his wife "huge". We get it, she's big, she's pregnant WITH TWINS. This dude starred in Joe's Apartment and Kangaroo Jack, he should be thanking his lucky stars he even got her into bed! And need I mention Jerry was Vern the fat kid in Stand by Me? All of this really must be projection. The fat kid inside of him is throwing a tantrum and taking it out on his pregnant wife because she can eat french fries dipped in a chocolate milkshake and he can't.

What makes this worse is that he says, "I apologize to her and will be coming home with flowers." Flowers die. Jewelry lasts forever. Or better yet, homeboy should be coming home with some takeout menus from every restaurant within ten miles of their house and offering to order anything and everything. Now that's love.

Here's O'Connell sticking Rebecca's swollen feet into his mouth in yet another interview.

When will people stop picking on Gary Coleman? The poor guy is like a chihuahua with rabies and everyone should know this by now. I mean, when was the last time you heard an uplifting story about Arnold Drummond? Sure, it was nice to hear he had gotten married but just as soon as you could send the couple a fern from 1-800-Flowers, they were appearing on Divorce Court. Thankfully it seems as though the couple is working things out - but the rest of the world can't seem to leave Coleman alone. During a romantic evening at a bowling alley in Utah, Coleman was approached by a "fan", Colt Rushton, for a photo op. When the star said no to the cell phone paparazzo Colt started snapping pictures anyway. This angered the fiesty McNugget and his wife so they retaliated. Hey, don't put your hand in the fire unless you're ready to get burned! Mrs. McNugget allegedly grabbed the phone away while Gary threw some punches. According to Rushton, Coleman then got into his car, ran into him and drove away after also bumping into another car. Colt went to a hospital to be treated for his injuries and was released.

Did they check his shins for fist of fury bruises? That's the only way that shiz will stand up in court. Any true fan of Gary Coleman would know better than to start snapping pictures of him without his permission. A true fan would also know that he has no money to go after if you want to sue him for battery. As far as I'm concerned, Colt owes the Colemans an apology and no less than three games at the lanes including shoe rental.

Lynne Spears alleges a lot of things about her daughter Britney in her tell-all, Through the Storm. Since it's her mom writing the book and she was in charge of Britney during that time, I'm gonna go out on a limb and believe what she has to say. The fact that everything involves sex, drugs and alcohol at a very young age really makes me believe it. Of course, instead of blaming herself as a mother (and manager), Lynne blames that unseen devil, "childhood fame". Weird, that didn't stop her from allowing Jamie Lynne to pursue those same dreams. Well done.

Exhibit A

Only A-list stars and maybe Anges Deyn could pull off a look this craptastic. To add insult to injury, she is flashing the peace sign after obviously killing two puppies and shoving her feet into their carcasses.

Exhibit B

You know the backup singers are cursing the day they were born into the wrong family. After shooting this video they probably went home and cried into their bowls of half-eaten Ramen. Jay-Z's sister-in-law wants to make a name for herself and not be compared to her older, more bootylicious and more talented sister. I don't think she'll have to worry about that too much since her lack of talent pretty much speaks for itself. Whe looks like she needs some No-Doz for half of the video and her lip-synching needs an overhaul.

Exhibit C

Solange finally found someone who was interested in speaking to her and she screws it up by being incredibly rude to the host because she doesn't understand the concept of "on-air" versus "off-air". When the matter is cleared up for her, she continues to scowl and act uninterested. She should be kissing anyone's cankles who gives her more than a second to open that hole in her face.

Why is it that there are reality shows devoted to winning the chance to be Paris Hilton's new bff? Doesn't everyone just end up a big old loser in the end? To make matters worse, she is taking her lazy eye across the pond to the UK to find a second best friend. Yes, that's right, not only is she doing an American version of Paris Hilton's My New BFF, she's also doing a British one. Here's what the socialite had to say:

"Everyone knows I love LA, but London, watch out - I'm coming to town and bringing my fast-paced life with me,". Yes! Hold on to your Wellies and check your Earl Grey for some absinthe, Paris Hilton is doing Big Ben!

"I'm in the UK all the time, but of course I can't bring all my friends, so I've decided to look for a new BFF across the pond," When I read this, all I can think about is how much I'd like to hog-tie her.

"I need a best friend who is hot, who can keep up with me, and most of all, who is real and won't be a backstabber. I'm not leaving London until I find that amazing girl or guy who can meet the challenges of being my British bestie!" I, for one, want to know about what's in it for the "winner" of this challenge. Paris is looking for all of the qualities in a bestie that she doesn't possess. Let's face it, telling the world that you're Paris Hilton's best friend is kind of like telling everyone you've slept with Andy Dick.

Parents, screw giving your kids the "Just say no to drugs" speech we have more important things to worry about. You see this shit all over your local Six Flags theme park, Denny's and now apparently on your favorite crack-addicted singer:

LOOK AT THIS

What kind of mouth gave Amy Winehouse that sucker punch? Is she dating that thing from Tremors? Seriously, THIS is what's wrong with the world. Hickeys obviously lead to crack-smoking meth heads - not the other way around. Cute purse though.

This past weekend I went mall shopping for the first time in ages. Being in front of a computer all day will make you realize waiting in line behind parents who can't control their children just doesn't seem like the better option. I had one item on my "wish" list and that was the new and exciting game, Wii Fit. Plug it in, exercise and have fun ALL AT THE SAME TIME!! I was so excited I could barely contain myself. In fact, everyone was excited for me. The girl shopping with her mother at American Eagle; the boys working at the skateboard shop; the middle-aged women lost in the maze of the department store - all of them stopped in their tracks and either asked me about my new prize or loudly stated their want and need of this product.

Once out of the box and set up on the floor it was time to do the impossible: make exercise fun. Now, here is the advice I have for anyone with self esteem that is less than fantastic: DO NOT STEP ON THE Wii FIT WITH ANYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM. Hell, you may want to skip that whole setup thing in the first place. Somehow I ended up being obese with the "Wii fit age" of 44. Now, there is nothing wrong with being an obese 44 year-old; it's just that I am not one. On top of this, the Mii that I made for myself bloated up on screen to make my character match the obese 44 year old that I now was in real life. That is cruel. Ok, it was a little bit funny, but also cruel.

How are you supposed to rebound from something like that? Apparently by doing some weird balance tests that don't make a ton of sense and then tell you that you probably trip over your feet while walking. If I wanted humiliation I would've just hired a dominatrix.

In this month's edition of Cosmo Carmen Electra is doling out advice for ladies who need help attracting the male species. My question is, do you really want to take advice from someone who is about to get married for the THIRD time? I mean, she can obviously attract the men but shouldn't you be concerned with what type of man she is attracting? I mean, it's kind of like asking one of the Spears sisters for birth control advice - no?.

Carmen Elektra is getting married again and she's not straying from her tendency to marry men who like to wear makeup. You may remember she was briefly married to basketball bad boy Dennis Rodman, and Jane's Addiction guitarist Dave Navarro; she is now engaged to guitarist Rob Patterson who apparently has an on-again off-again relationship with the band Korn. Let's start placing bets on how long this will last.

Tom Cruise will be making his way back to the couches at the Oprah Winfrey show. His last appearance was the famous (and ridiculous) couch--jumping Oprah-grabbing proclamation of his love for Katie Holmes. You have to wonder what exactly is going on in his mind. I do. Sometimes I lay awake at night, thinking back to the good old days when Tom wasn't crazy. Remember when his movies didn't suck? Remember when he didn't take too many pictures that resembled this:

Teen queen Miley Cyrus has been asked to pen her memoirs. This girl is 15 years old, what the HELL are her memoirs going to tell us? I mean, she probably just got her period for the first time a month ago, what does she have to write about? I think Jamie Lynne Spears has more to say in a memoir by now, and more time on her hands since she doesn't have much of a career. Where is her book deal?

The people at On Harvard Time speak to the Turdblossom.

Setting: A (probably) wealthy suburb, perhaps in Orange County. A dance studio filled with children whose parents are looking on with glimmers of Hollywood in their eyes. Here are their daughters who they put makeup on at a very young age. Here are their boys who stink at team sports but hip hop and jazz seem like a safer option than ballet.

I hate these people. With a passion. Here is why:

Now, I'm sure they think their kids are gonna go all Star Search or America's Got Talent, but do they know what song these kids are dancing to? Do they have any clue what it means to "Superman that ho"?

After Jay Leno sparked some controversy with his ignorant "gayest face" remark, David Letterman must've been hankering for some of the same negative attention.

The gap-toothed doof actually had some funny things to say on his top ten list of "messages left on the pregnant man's answering machine". But when he gets to the number 1 message, he basically calls Beatie, the pregnant man, an "androgynous freakshow".

There is already so much hate being spewed at gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered people, do we really need to fan the flames with something like this? That's just completely irresponsible.

Looks like Jay Leno has flapped that big chin of his a bit too much and pissed off a whole lotta people in the process. Jay had Reese Witherspoon's ex, Ryan Phillippe, on his show the other night and asked the actor to give him his "gayest look".

I wasn't sure what the gayest look might look like, but LUCKILY some people (Jeff Whitty of Avenue Q fame and Melissa McEwan of Shakesville.com) have helped us out. Now there is a whole gallery of gay looks for everyone, especially Jay, to get a good look at.

There are many reasons why we don't like Perez Hilton, like the way he calls Katherine Heigl an idiot just because she doesn't like to discuss politics. We here at Chubby Jones don't like to talk about politics either. Why? Because we don't know enough about it to really make an educated parody.

He had a lot of crappy things to say about Lily Allen after she miscarried but was surprisingly kind when she was still pregnant. He doesn't have anything intelligent to say; his Photoshop skills are lacking and somehow he was able to get his hands on the new Tilly and the Wall video before we were. We've always been big fans of the cute kids from the Team Love label. Heck, we've sat next to their merchandise table and gotten to exchange a few words and a few more glances with them. We've even considered taking tap dancing lessons past our prime just because they made it hip. What Perez didn't tell you is that this song is a bit of a departure for these adorable musicians. While their music has always been fun and nostalgic (they can paint a picture of childhood so clearly it makes you long for overalls, tube socks and Tang) it has never been so electronic. We dig the Rainbow Briteness of Beat Control and overall danceability but don't think it can even compare to the CSS Remix of The Freest Man (mp3). Either way, it's still hot.

Tori Spelling is pregnant again and it seems as though her need for attention is getting more realistic, as she is realizing the only way for her to still be relevant is to talk about the more popular actors and actresses from Beverly Hills 90210. The former Donna Martin is publishing an autobiography and within its pages reveals that bad girl Shannon Doherty and Jenny Garth once got into an actual fistfight during a heated argument. She also says that, "(Luke Perry) called me 'Camel' because I had long eyelashes. Trust me, Luke Perry can call you 'Camel' and make it sexy." No no, trust us Tori, it wasn't about your eyelashes, and in no way are camels or their eyelashes sexy. Kudos to Luke for pulling that off though!

Speaking of Luke Perry, we had the fortune of catching him in the 1992 Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie this weekend. Who remembered that future Oscar winner, Hilary Swank was in this movie? David Arquette may have given audiences his finest performance for this movie. Not only did we forget how much we loved this movie, but also how well Kristy Swanson rocked the mom jeans and leggings!

The Brit Awards had some high profile performances (and we're not talking Britney Spears awards, those were already handed out and her pink wig-wearing personality went home with all of the prizes). Mika won as the Best Breakthrough Artist of 2008. Here he sings with The Gossip's lead singer, and one of Chubby's faves, Beth Ditto.

The tuxedo pants just aren't doing it for us. The Mr. might be a sister, but he missed some of the fashion sense many of the Marys are blessed with. He can't pull off the high-pitched Bee Gee's throwback voice and high theatrical value that Scissors Sisters frontman Jake Shears pulls off so effortlessly either.

Beth Ditto on the other hand, can belt it out like no one's business. She may be larger than life (and that might not be the most flattering of outfit choices), but her talent is larger than life as well. Mika, ruined her freaking song.

We wish we could play this game with Mika's head, but yet again, the Scissor Sisters out-do him.

Paris Hilton celebrated her birthday (what is she, like 50 by now?) by getting nice and sleezy in Las Vegas's Pure Nightclub. The talentless heiress whose fame rests on the brim of a martini glass, trashed it up with The Pussycat Dolls. She donned dominatrix gear and posed as (what we can only assume is) her very own Madame Tussaud's wax figure.

Where are her true friends? If she had any, they'd be telling her to stop making an ass of herself. Maybe they just let her do her thang, not wanting to make her feel even worse about how her movie, The Hottie and the Nottie, was named the worst movie in history.

Now, consider this: if Christine Lakin had been the one to play the "Hottie", and Paris took her rightful place as the "Nottie", we're almost positive the movie would have done better. We would've shelled out at least $5 to rent it, or if we were desperate enough, would've found our way to a movie theater after a bar crawl. Truth be told, we heard that the worst movie in history (which also starred Paris) was her sex tape.

Rumor has it that Nelly Furtado is preggers again, maybe that's why we couldn't even recognize her at the Grammys. The glow normally associated with getting knocked up translated into her wearing too much bronzer.

Belle and Sebastian - Another Sunny Day (mp3)

Geri Halliwell ruins our weekend by dashing all of our hopes and dreams of paying lots of $$ to see the Spice Girls play another tour. The good news is, we'll always have Spice World to turn to during the dark times of spice drought.

Matmos - Steam and Sequins for Larry Levan (mp3)
Baby Walrus - Ghostish (mp3)

Incredible artist Jim Denevan creates short-lived masterpieces in the sand. He does everything freehand with a stick he finds on whatever beach he is combing. It is incredibly hard to believe he can be so exacting without the aid of any measuring tools. We're guessing he doesn't suffer from ADD.

No Kids - The Beaches All Closed (mp3)
Kid 606 - Fabulous Muscles (mp3)

There was a little bit of love lost at the Grammys this last Sunday when Beyonce introduced Tina Turner as "The Queen". Apparently Aretha Franklin, "The Queen of Soul" was a bit miffed to see the crown being taken from her head and placed upon Turner's. Now, we loves us some Aretha, she taught us what it means to be made to feel like "A Natural Woman". But really? She's upset that someone else was called a queen? Has she seen Tina Turner? No offense to Ms. Franklin - but we'd be honored to be a part of Turner's royal party. Aretha's legs aren't insured by Lloyd's of London - and we're pretty sure none of her other body parts are either.

Here is a video of Beyonce's offending intro...we really can't understand what the big deal is.

Mia: I can't stop watching this

Mia: It never gets old...or any less creepy

Jackie: is it the Tom Cruise video that's being emailed around?
OH, the old one!
There's apparently this new weird video of him talking about Scientology

Mia: that's REALLY creepy

Jackie: Tom is such a nutcase and Katie is totally brainwashed
free Suri!

Mia: seriously Suri looks like she's like 30 years old

Jackie: and Katie looks about 45...oh, yeah, and he goes backstage and mauls Katie
SO WEIRD like she's his prisoner
like, "look, AmericaI swear I'm not gay or crazy
I get a gay vibe from him, and also a crazy vibe
he tries way too hard and seems so awkward around women

Mia: I mean he is SOOOOOOO gay and sooooooooo crazy
I heard that he like makes her make out with him in public

Jackie: and why is the audience applauding this behavior
I'm sure but you know, it makes me hate her that much more

Mia: I mean, if I'm in the audience, I think I barf

Jackie: because either:
1. she really is brainwashed, loves Tom, and loves Scientology
OR
2. she signed a contract
and she is a shameless money-grubbing famewhore
EITHER WAY she loses all my respect

Mia: I'm going with the contract

People Magazine's Headlines of the Damned

What is wrong with People Magazine? I'm convinced that someone over there is letting their interns take over the headlines since this morning's e-blast stated that "Jessica Alba Says Pregnancy is 'Awesome'". Of COURSE it's awesome, getting preggers is all the rage these days, just ask Jamie Lynn Spears, Jessica Sierra and all of the other pregnant teens who contribute to the U.S. having the highest rate of teen pregnancy and births in the western industrialized world. We've got soooooo much awesomeness here, Ms. Alba, you don't have to tell us!

In other, "who cares" headlines this week, we learn that Katie Holmes says "Nicole's (Kidman) Pregnancy is 'Wonderful'". WHY DO WE OR NICOLE CARE WHAT KATIE "freaktastic" HOLMES FEELS ABOUT HER PREGNANCY???? Can someone please explain this to me? I mean, just because Nicole used to be held captive by married to Tom Cruise, why does Katie get to weigh in on the topic? Is it because back in December Katie told People, "Tom's Kids with Nicole 'Call Me Mom'"? You bitch! I'm sure that's what every mother in the world wants to read in a national magazine, that their children's stepmom is now being called "Mom". Truth be told, if I were Nicole and my kids were being raised by a midget scientologist with a penchant for crazy outbursts and jumping on Oprah's couch, I'd probably just cut the non-existent umbilical chord and call it a day.

Another One Bites the Dust

Is Pamela Anderson in some secret competition with Elizabeth (whisper "whiiiiiite diiiiiamonds") Taylor? She and hubby of four months, Rick Salomon, have officially called it quits. Didn't you all know, marriage is the new dating!

By now you all probably know what a reality television junkie I am but what you may not know is that I have really great taste. Of course, after I tell you how obsessed I am with the show, Crowned, I fear that I may lose your trust altogether. Please, hear me out and consider this: Some of the moms and daughters are CRAZUH. Yes. Crazuh. What's not to love when there is a show with maniacal disillusioned people living in the same space as "normal" people? Does anyone remember Ripsi from the Bad Girls Club (quite possibly one of the worst and best things I've ever seen on tv...hot hot mess)? Please understand that you must separate the crazies from the bitches, the two do not always go hand in hand although on this show, the crazies are also bitches (which makes it even better in my book). Do you need visual proof? Look at the clips Jezebel strung together from this week's episode. The daughters were asked to come up with a 1-minute fitness routine to be performed with their mothers. The look on the ginger-daughter's face throughout the routine makes me want to pee my pants. It looks like the judges wet their seats a bit as well. The high kick at the end of the routine with the "Eeeeeyaaaah" exclamation seals the deal for me and also reminds me of the "Hey EEEEaaaaaaaaaaah" Howard Dean mash-up from a few years ago.

The soulless red-headed plastic women keep insisting that they are the best looking duo on the show. These women are so far from being in touch with reality, it actually makes this show more realistic than the others out there. I'm not sure if they are trying to make themselves feel better for the price of any "work" that's gotten done or if they think that if they believe it hard enough it will actually be true. As my mom pointed out to me on the phone the other night, these are sad individuals with no talent. Yes, I like them that way. It makes me feel brilliant.

Now, since it is almost Christmas time (which means seeing a movie and eating Chinese food to me) I will leave you with a must-have Christmas playlist. If it were up to me, I'd probably just listen to Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" on repeat like I did last year, but this year Sufjan Stevens came out with his own Christmas album. Go ahead and add this to your egg nog.

Mariah Carey
All I want for Christmas is you
The ULTIMATE Christmas song of all time.

N'Sync
You Don't Have to be Alone (On Christmas)
No, you can hang out with the other people in your boy band.

Miss Piggy
Santa Baby
Christmas is important to muppets too.

Run DMC
Christmas in Hollis
Light up the tree, not the streets yo.

Kelly Clarkson
Oh Holy Night
A mixtape isn't a mixtape without some Kelly Clarkson.

Keith Sweat
Be Your Santa Claus
Oh I bet you will Keith Sweat, I bet you will.

Otis Redding
White Christmas
Listen to while making your cookies.

The Kinks
Father Christmas
Rock n' Roll dude.

Stevie Wonder
The Christmas Song
Stevie is like the star at the top of the tree.

Dear Santa,

Thank you for the fodder you have brought me this holiday season. Particularly in the land of babies out of wedlock and marriages falling to shambles before the "I do"s were even uttered from celebrity lips.

After just two months of marriage, Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from Rick Salomon. They are apparently "working things out" now, but I'm pretty sure after seeing the picture taken of them shopping together on Monday, Salomon may just want to keep the divorce in process. I can only imagine him thinking, "I married PAMELA ANDERSON and I got THIS??". The couple was apparently married in Vegas during a break between magic shows that Anderson was performing in. My guess is that they were hoping that some of the magic would rub off on the chances of their marriage being a success.

Speaking of magic, it also seems as though the Spears sisters were relying on some kind of birth control magic to keep their ovaries under control. 16 year old teeny bopper Jamie Lynn Spears is preggers with her boyfriend's baby. Were Britney and Jamie Lynn raised by rabbits? It seems as though all they know how to do is be marginally good at acting and dancing, but REALLY good at doing the bedroom tango. So with all of this happening, it couldn't come as a shock that momma Lynne Spears's parenting book is being put on hold. Maybe she should be writing a Kama Sutra book instead?

British babe Lily Allen and hottie Jessica Alba are getting cribs ready for some new arrivals as well.

Not that they need this mix, but you might. It is most certainly snuggle season, which might call for some Baby Makin' Music

Pony - Ginuwine
He may have terrible spelling when it comes to his name, but this slow jam is sexy

Brown Skin - India Arie
I don't care what color skin you've got, this song is HOT!

Wicked Game - Chris Isaak
You might want to purchase the video as well

Do Me! - Bel Biv Devoe
Smack it up flip it rub it down

Feel Like Makin' Love - D'Angelo
The name says it all

I Feel Love - Donna Summer
There is nothing wrong with adding a little disco to the bedroom

Naughty Girl - Beyonce
Oh! Did I just type that out loud?

Don't Stop - Brazilian Girls
Well...the Spears girls might want to stop.

It seems as though we're getting farther and farther from reality on "Reality TV" these days. Nothing surprises me more though, than allegations about Tila Tequila being completely straight. Ms. Tequila is supposed to be the prize (and what a prize she is) to a lucky bachelor or bachelorette on her hit MTV show, "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila". According to the show's premise she is a bisexual single, trying to find Mr. or Mrs. right by seeing how far they'll go to be with her, like when she made them eat animal eyeballs and testicles. Nothing says lovin' like eating an animal's no no parts! To make matters worse, the Myspace star is said to have a boyfriend of over five years. Eh? Are you trying to tell me the tears being shed on that show are FAKE?

Speaking of fake, it looks like MTV has completely put music behind itself and is now only interested in making "quality" fake reality tv series. More fictional love-interests have been set up for "The Hills" star Lauren Conrad as she treks around Paris. Ah, the city of romance.

Looks like Lindsay Lohan is hitting the recording studio, although probably not as hard as she's hitting the bottle...And by bottle, I mean mysteriously orange tanning cream bottle. I'm guessing her next role will be in yet another remake of "Charlie and Chocolate Factory" as an Oompa Loompa.

In a bit of incredibly strange news, we learn that at some point American Idol judge Paula Abdul's urine sample was stolen out of her gynecologist's office by one of her biggest fans. He was fired for doing this but my guess is that he was really just trying to protect Paula from any drug tests that may have been performed.

Sadness hit the catwalk of Project Runway as Jack Mackenroth eliminated himself for health reasons. The only good that we can take with the bad is that he has left us with a SENSATIONAL YouTube video that I will watch probably all weekend.

...and all my brain wants is celebrity gossip right now.

Not that this should come as a surprise *SPOILER ALERT* but I have some news for you Tila Tequila fans...we're in for a second season. Yep, Tila will not rest until she has dated at least half of the country. Now, if you read the cattle call *ahem* casting call bulletin you'll notice a couple of things that I find highly interesting.

1- They call the show "MTV's sexual stereotype shattering reality show". Have they watched the show? There is nothing stereotype shattering at all. If anything, it enforces the stereotype that girls get into catfights, guys are raging with testosterone and bisexual people are greedy.

2- They don't say you have to be 21 years old to be on the show, just that "...you appear to be at least 21 years old,". Scandalous no?

In what is even sadder reality news, American Idol star Kelli Pickler may not know her backside from her elbow.

I'm sure her voice is great, but shouldn't our American Idol contestants need to pass some kind of intelligence exam before we have them representing us? I'm sure William Hung would've made a much better idol.

I think HE bangs.