Chubby Jones

I was watching TV last night in an attempt to wind down and get ready for bed when a song more infectious than the Cha Cha Slide bitch slapped my ears.

I was filled with the want - nay - the need to go to the Montgomery Flea Market to pick up a gigantic couch to put in my studio apartment. The only question I have is, is comparing the flea market furniture store to a mini-mall supposed to be a hot selling point? Either way, I am totally sold and totally doing the butterfly right now.

It was last February and I was listening to NPR's All Songs Considered when I heard a familiar Baltimore accent. My favorite pencil-mustached weirdo, John Waters, was guest DJing their Valentine's Day show and sharing some samples off of his compilation CD, A Date With John Waters. Each song was appropriate for the Hallmark holiday; regardless of if you praise it as the day of love or loathsomely refer to it as the day you are most likely to kick puppies.

Just look at him. Everything about this is wonderful. It's as if his facial hair were really just dirt and some of it rubbed off onto his white jacket collar. It is oddly attractive and terrifying all at the same time.

Some of the best tracks include "All I Can Do Is Cry" by Ike and Tina Turner (Happy Valentines Day to YOU!), "If I Knew You Were Comin' I'd've Baked A Cake" by Eileen Barton and the New Yorkers (sweet as pie, or cake) and a genius cover of "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Edith Massey. For those of you who don't know Edith Massey, she is an amazing creature. John Waters actually hand selected her to be one of the stars of his film Pink Flamingos. She played the "Egg Lady". Describing her won't do it justice, so instead I will leave you with a picture. Run, do not walk, to buy this album.

I'm almost certain this will end up giving me nightmares, but for the daytime hours it is fun for the whole family! Stick around for the kid who's about to pop a blood vessel at the end.

Where the hell was Improv Everywhere when I was growing up? These people throw impromtu birthday parties for strangers, sing in the middle of mall food courts and now they have turned a little league baseball game into a giant sports spectacle.

I want these people to cheer me on the next time I'm eating at an Indian buffet!

The good peeps over at Lost at E Minor pose the question: "What would you do if you found a Real Doll in someone's closet?"

You mean besides possibly pooping myself at first because I think someone is harboring a prostitute in their closet and they may try to attack me? I would laugh. I would then insist on giving these "girls" an extreme makeover. If you need to go through the trouble of buying a latex lady (or man - bitchin' for '08) she should be totally hot.

This one has got some fake tan face going on...which doesn't even look good on Lindsay Lohan.

This one looks like she may have played the part of a psycho killer hooker on an episode of CSI Miami. Her eyes say, "I'm going to eat you alive."

For the love - get that curl out of her face! Since she is a doll she can't move it for herself. Maybe get a flatiron out and get rid of the curls altogether.

Some of the other "ladies" have dragon lady fingernails, which I imagine could do some serious permanent damage if used the wrong way. Considering the fact that some men have sex with their patio furniture, I'm sure I don't even need to consult a crystal ball or 900-number to place bets on the lawsuits that could arise from those nails.

Oh it'll be fun! I'll feel like one of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy ladies. I can see it all now, The Adventures of Chubby and the Real Girl.

When we die, we want to come back as one of Martha Stewart's dogs. Each meal will probably consist of the finest meats. We would wear only the finest in haute dog couture. And we would be sent to the finest of groomers.

To top it all off, at night we could doze off into our Martha Stewart brand doggie beds knowing that we are more than appreciated. In fact, the fur that was just shaved off of our bellies will be used as yarn to make something special for Momma Martha. This is no joke. Paw Paw's fur is being woven into yarn and Martha is asking for suggestions as to what to make with it.

Some of our ideas?
A superhero cape - You can never really have too many of those
A sexy nighty - Chow fur will totally keep you warm even when you're scantily clad!
Hair extensions - If anyone can do it, Martha sure can! Halloween will be AMAZING this year.
Swimsuit - He looked so cute getting his hair shampooed! There may even be enough hair to make a sarong, very classy.

Any ideas out there in the peanut gallery? Put 'em in the comments!

Oh, and as if you needed any more reason to love Martha:

Excellent graphic designer and pop artist Frank Chimero has taken on a project in which he uses the shapes of the 50 states and turns them into ordinary objects like the ones below:

Texas

Kansas

Check out his blog while you're at it.

Celebrate Valentine's Day at the castle with your special someone Harold & Kumar-style. White Castle is hosting candelit (yes, candlelit!) dinners tonight for all the die-hard romantics out there. Buck the Hallmark-holiday trends, forget the teddy bears, and go out for some steamed meat instead. "Just thinking about those tender little White Castle burgers with those little, itty-bitty grilled onions that just explode in your mouth like flavor crystals every time you bite into one..."

Here's the plan -- make reservations at your local White Castle (yes, reservations!), talk dirty over a mound of burgers, retreat back to the residence and pop in your well-worn Wilson Phillips CD, and the rest, well, is up to you, playa. As they say, it's all about "the steam, the passion, the hot little buns."

Sprint has come up with an amazing way to treat your Valentine to something money really can't buy (or at least we don't get paid well enough to purchase a private concert from Isaac Hayes). Anyone who can make the words, "chocolate salty balls" sound sexy is bound to get the sparks flying no matter what kind of message you leave. It took a while (their tool doesn't recognize all words) but we finally got it to croon, "I love you baby, you make the best meat for dinner".

Go ahead, send it to someone you love, or at least someone who needs a laugh.

USA Today is reporting that the usual annoying PA announcer voice, will be swapped with more recognizable annoying voices.

Some of the existing celebrity voices welcoming travelers to their destination include Rodney Dangerfield, Jennifer Nettles from the country band Sugarland, and Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy. Oddly enough, when we were thinking of a few celebrities we'd want to tell us that the "moving walkway is ending" , Phyllis Diller was the first to come to mind - and apparently she's already done it!

Some other celebs we'd like to hear from?

Brenda Dickson - "Well hello! And welcome to your destination."

Paris Hilton - "Your forecast is hot"

Rhianna - "It's raining, but you can get an umbrella-ella-ella at the gift shop"

Barack Obama - "You want us to get you to your destination on time? Yes we can!"

Ludacris - "Move, get out da way, get out da way!"

I'm sure we could go on and on. Who would you like to hear over the airport PA system?

Last Friday I was welcomed into the apartment that houses folk-pop artist, Reddelicious. She was a little shy at first, as was I, especially since she agreed to be the very first band interviewed for the site. She likes to play shows for 16 year old kids whose love for music hasn't been jaded by the Grammys (unlike some of the rest of us). She doesn't like being called a ginger kid and points out the differences between gingers vs. redheads.

She graciously played two of her songs for us, and I've been singing them in my head all weekend. Enjoy!

Santa has made it more than obvious that I have been a good little girl this year, but I didn't know I was AMAZING!! While nothing is ever as good as the first season, I am still very much looking forward to having a weekly date with Bret Michaels and his brothel of celeb-wannabees during VH1's Rock of Love II. I mean, check out this group of, um, winners (?) that Bret has to choose from. The French lady? Classy. The sexy NASA intern who is here to show that math can be a turn-on. The story of the ugly duckling whose grandma gave her braces and whose mom gave her boob implants...oooooh amazing.

But wait, there's more...

Joy to the world, the greatest bitches have come. I was just telling someone the other day how much I miss Kristin Cavallari and how I think she would make a great addition to The Hills. Lauren is boring, especially without a "super-villain" to go up against. Heidi was far from that. Spencer and his molestache was definitely a villain, but super - no. Kristin is a super-villain because while she's mean, she is also very real. There's nothing wrong with telling it like it is (and looking great while doing it).

Now Santa, if you're feeling REALLY generous, I would also like to put in a request for a My So-Called Life marathon, Wonderfalls and Veronica Mars to come back to television and Guitar Hero.

Thanks, love you long time,
Mia

You know it's the holiday season when the snow starts to fall and angelically rests atop bare tree branches. My very favorite Christmas song (Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas") gets played on repeat (and maybe the one Adam Sandler Hannukah song gets five minutes of air time). Cookies, toffee, cakes and popcorn bins start to fill up the office and our bellies. Anti-depressants get prescribed more, self-help books get wrapped up and put under the tree, whiners and complainers push past you on the streets and in the malls...

So this year, instead of giving someone self-help advice, why not show your love with self-hurt books. My favorites?

How To Get Fat - I should have written this from my bunk at fat camp 13 years ago.

How To Get Into Debt - If there was one thing I learned in college, this was it!

How To Procrastinate - It has taken me three days to write this entry so far.

Tired of the same carols being sung at your door? The next time a group of strangers gathers to wish you some holiday cheer, why not hit them back with some complaints?

As I was walking around Michigan Avenue yesterday I stopped at a corner to wait for a friend before I took advantage of some pre-holiday sales. Out of nowhere, I got a kiss on the cheek from a homeless woman who then told me, "You're a cute little lady." So, if anyone is wondering what to get me for the holidays I'm suggesting a Brillo pad so that I can scrub my cheek off. Thanks.

Speaking of holiday gifts, here are some ideas for your favorite celebrities.

You can take the girl out of rehab but you can also take the rehab out of the girl. Dazzle stars like Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse and David Hasselhoff with MXYPLYZYK's "The Good Book". A flask holder made to look like the Bible.

For the stars of Supernatural, Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles, how about the book, The Zombie Survifal Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead

Image courtesy of Amazon

Apparently when Alec Baldwin isn't verbally abusing his young daughter, he's busy cleaning! Now he can do double-duty while he stomps around his home and cleans at the same time, thanks to the Evriholder Slipper Genie Microfiber Cleaning Slippers!

Image courtesy of Amazon

What to get for the people who have all the money in the world but who can't seem to keep their sex videos from surfacing to the public (Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Pam and Tommy I'm looking at you)? How about a guard dog? Enough of those pint sized pooches who will merely wet the floor when an intruder enters, these ones will take a bit out of crime.

And finally, Sean Preston and Jayden James can brush up on their driving skills early with this Power Wheels Mustang since it looks like they'll be the ones driving momma Britney around.

Image badly altered by yours truly

Less than a month of shopping days left people, time to get cookin'.