She was a walking talking blooper reel throughout Newlyweds and she's about to get another reality show! Jessica Simpson will star in The Price of Beauty, where she travels the globe to find out what makes a person beautiful and why. Somewhere Joel McHale and the editors over at The Soup peed themselves from being so happy!

The pop starlet said, "I have always believed that beauty comes from within and confidence will always make a woman beautiful, but I know how much pressure some women put on themselves to look perfect." Well sure, when your "talent" is being beautiful you've probably had to try just about everything. Apparently, Jessica will be trying out the different "beauty secrets" from cultures around the globe. I can't wait for her to bind her feet and then try to get them into a pair of her Jessica Simpson brand heels!

Poppa Joe will be co-producing the show with Jessica, which undoubtedly makes for good TV, even if it unmasks the ugly truth about pretty people getting ahead in life on their looks alone.

When you are Joaquin Phoenix and you want to turn your life into a shameless cycle of self-promotion of your hate of fame - you will stop at nothing to keep your name in the headlines. First of all, you are no rapper. To think you can just get up on stage looking like the Unibomber, spit out some words and get respect is just silly. Leave that to Matisyahu. It's no surprise then, that Phoenix would stoop to gaining some street cred by attacking someone in his audience (probably a hipster who weighs all of a buck ten in a pair of skinny jeans with a Parliament Light behind his ear and a New Kids on the Block shirt).

My advice to Phoenix would be - be careful of that beard of yours. Sure you could use it to choke people (or maybe gross them out with the smell of whatever gets caught in there as you are eating) but whoever you're attacking can also use it against you!

For someone who seemingly wants to stay out of the Hollywood spotlight, Joaquin Phoenix sure has a funny way of showing it. It was just this past October that he declared his acting career over and seemed irritated that he wasn't being taken seriously. Newsflash! If you want to be taken seriously, don't hang out having dance battles with Jamie Foxx - perhaps the biggest attention whore out there - while Casey Affleck films you "for a documentary" while director Brett Ratner is also hanging in your crew. To make matters worse, they performed the whole spectacle twice. For a documentary that's pretty lame. Announcing a fake film retirement is even more lame.

RoLo fans dry those tears from your eyes! Yesterday's report of a split between Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan are false! Lohan is getting really tired of people trying to bring them down. I wonder what Michael Lohan has to say - no I don't, but I'm sure he'll tell us.

OMG, I have just spent the last ten minutes watching Michael Lohan not understand how his computer works. He can't stop telling everyone that Lindsay probably doesn't write her own blog. While LiLo might not be the brightest bulb in the bunch, I'm sure she has a pretty strong Myspace password (probably iluvsamro1434eva). If you want to see him not understand his computer and talk about how great of a band The Fray is (WTF) check him out right here.

I am crying right now. I am bored to tears, that's how terrible this is. His blog is even worse than the stuff Jodie Sweetin was putting out there for OK Magazine.

Speaking of Stephanie Judith Tanner, Jodie Sweetin has apparently gotten herself a book deal. I'd be interested in hearing about her life but she is in some serious need of a ghost writer.

Jerry O'Connell must be incredibly excited that his wife, Rebecca Romijn, will back back to a normal weight soon! She popped out little Charlie Tamara Tulip and Dolly Rebecca Rose on December 28th.

Videogum celebrates(?) the Worst People of 2008. There are plenty of other people I'd like to add to their list. In no particular order:

- Dane Cook
- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes
- Perez Hilton
- Spencer Pratt/Heidi Montag/MTV for putting them everywhere
- Tila Tequila/MTV for putting her everywhere/Myspace for making her famous
- Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus

Britney Spears gets some holiday cheer from Lindsay Lohan. She also reveals that her father Michael Lohan gave her a bastard sibling for Christmas. That's what I'm telling my family to get me next year.

Courtney Cox says the secret to a successful marriage is to take out the possibility for divorce. That seems kind of sad to me. Sure, counseling is great, but if you're not a happy camper (which is how I feel anyone would be married to David Arquette) why stick with it.

One of my favorite podcasts, NPR's Sound Opinions, has a wicked mix tape of holiday songs available for FREE download.

Unfortunately for me, my favorite Monifah song Touch It isn't able to be embedded, but that doesn't mean you can't listen to it. I seriously had a bad obsession with this jam back in college. There was one time I was driving back from the airport with a friend of mine and we were in bumper to bumper traffic - we blasted this on repeat and I did the lambada with the dashboard to the delight and fright of the cars around us. Good story. Moving on...

Jennifer Aniston confirms what the entire world (but especially Brad Pitt) knew, her GQ cover was photoshopped. I mean, is this newsworthy? It doesn't even resemble her face - in fact, it looks worse than her face.

If you really care what the Jonas Brothers' Favorite Ornaments are, then please stop reading my blog. You and I have nothing in common except maybe our love of sushi and miniature Twix bars.

Let's face it, none of us have the attention span to do anything but check up on how Samantha Ronson is doing now that she's out of the hospital.

If eye patches tickle your pickle, TV Guide has 18 of the best TV and movie characters with optical accessories.

Heidi, Spencer and their handlers all tried to pull a fast one on us - they aren't really married. Can they go away now? Spencer's face hurts my feelings.

New papa Pete Wentz has admitted to drinking Ashlee Simpson's breast milk. I don't find this odd at all - but the fact that his mom was witness to it is a bit strange.

I have the the hugest crush on Target Women, and you should too:

WHAT in Xenu's name is Tom Cruise doing on MTV's after-show for The Hills finale? I'm glad you asked. It's because when you need fake wedding advice, he is the wisest of them all to dispense that information. The hosts of the after-show had a little sit-down with Tom and turned him on with brought him face to face for a conversation with a picture of Laruen Conrad's arch-nemesis, Spencer Pratt.

The entire thing is bizarre, but probably will have more watchers and better reviews than Valkyrie.

It's always interesting when celebrities weigh-in on the rise, fall and comebacks of other celebrities. Madonna, in her infinite wisdom, has starting chiming in about the struggles of one Ms. Brit Brit Spears. You may remember the infamous MTV Music Awards show performance where the two swapped spit. That was probably the last we saw of the two pop-powerhouses together, until now.

MTV aired Britney's documentary, "Britney: For the Record" on Sunday night and Queen Madge appeared to give this quote, "There's a certain fragility about her and vulnerability about her that makes me feel maternal towards her," "There are aspects about her that I recognize in myself when I first started out in my career. I also admire her talent as an artist."

All of that is fine and dandy and I truly believe Madonna sees a bit of herself in Britney. After all - they both are entertainers whose dancing abilities far outweigh their vocal abilities. They've both had high-profile romances and break-ups and they've both had bizarre fake British accents. Cool. But if Madonna is feeling so maternal towards Britney, where was she during the meltdown? There was a while there when it seemed like the two had formed a friendship. Madonna would even take a few seconds out of singing her own praises to talk to the press about how wonderful Britney is. Then came the late-night random wedding to childhood friend Jason Alexander, the marriage to K-Fed, the head-shaving and all of a sudden, Madonna was nowhere to be found and didn't even issue a comment. Of course, now Brit is seemingly less insane in the membrane and now Madonna is ready to be linked to the pop tart again. Nicely played Madonna. Nicely played.

There's a Hollywood Madame out there who needs a fresh copy of Webster's dictionary STAT! She is claiming to have "worked with" Will Smith in getting his extra-marital activities lined up. While it is no secret that he and wife Jada have an open relationship, the Madame claims that Will's pros were all men. There is a huge problem here. No, this isn't hard to believe considering how much he likes to pal around with Tom Cruise and his hardest raps revolve around parents not understanding (you tell them "Big Willy"). The problem is that this Madame had promised not to tell anyone about his sexy times with the men. She states, “I had to reassure him over and over that I could guarantee discretion,” she said. “Once I convinced him I could, he placed his order. It was for a man. I had 14 women working for me and two guys. You’d be surprised at how many Hollywood stars requested the services of the guys.”

Way to screw things up for all of gay Hollywood! Seriously, what kind of world are we living in where you can't trust a Hollywood Madame with your sexual preferences? Who can closeted gay stars turn to now?

One of Hef's bunnies has fled the cage known as the Playboy Mansion. Brendan, over at What Would Tyler Durden Do?, reports that Kendra Wilkinson (otherwise known as The Sporty One With The Nice Butt And The Weird Laugh) is engaged to someone who doesn't look like a prune and smell like Rolaids. He reports that this Girl Next Door will be marrying Hank Baskett, a wide receiver for the Philadelphia Eagles.

Thank goodness! If Sam and Lindsay can come out of the closet about their relationship, Kendra can stop pretending to be even mildly attracted to Hugh Hefner.

J-Lo was supposed to be the guest celebrity judge for this year's finale of Project Runway but a foot injury has rendered her useless. I'm not exactly sure what part of sitting in a chair belittling people would effect her foot, but Jenny from the block couldn't be too careful! Maybe she was planning on drop-kicking someone for using too much organza.

Luckily, we've got the man who can always make it work - Tim Gunn - who will be filling in. I think this is a major upgrade. I could listen to him read the complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica in that nasally voice of his.

I tried to watch the MTV Video Music Awards, I really did - but it was so boring my dog couldn't even sit through it, and that bitch can settle in for a Quaker Factory marathon. As soon as the hot glow of the television greeted my face and Russell Brand's wide eyes and dirty hair appeared I knew I was in for a stinker. It was almost impossible to understand what was coming out of his mouth and when the cameras panned the audience even the most stoned celebrity in the room didn't seem to find his shtick funny.

The highlight of the hour I wasted was Pink's performance of "So What". I watched it because it started out with high-energy; the singer wandered the streets breaking things. Mostly though, I kept watching to see when her wardrobe malfunction would take place. It did happen, but luckily she was wearing electrical tape over her no-no areas.

The latest protest scheduled by the anti-Scientology group, Anonymous, will take place outside of "All My Sons", the Katie Holmes' theatrical masterpiece (besides her role as Tom's wife). The group apparently wants to save Katie from the religion. Screw Scientology, someone needs to call in Rachel Zoe to handle the bigger messes in Katie's life - her recent fashion choices. Honest to Xenu, I'm sure L. Ron Hubbard probably wouldn't mind if you spruced things up a bit, Katie.

Can we talk about Katy Perry? Sure she's the new "it" girl according to MTV but aren't we getting a bit ahead of ourselves here? She has one big hit with "I Kissed a Girl" and now she's being compared to princess Rihanna? Sure, I really enjoy the chorus of her song but with a beat like that she could say, "I killed someone and I liked it" and I'd still shake what my momma gave me. It's annoying enough that Perez Hilton basically thinks she came out of his womb but to top that - she hasn't actually ever kissed a girl. This will apparently be taken care of and exploited at the MTV Video Music Awards. The show's producers are looking through their address books trying to find the right celebrity to lock lips with the singer on stage. BORING! Give us something we haven't seen before that isn't predictable. I want to see Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford make out.

What's interesting is, Katy's video for her hit single would lead me to believe the girl she kisses is a hooker. A considerably older soccer mom hooker at that. Judge for yourself and please don't be afraid to tell me what I'm missing, I'm all ears.

Just what are Gossip Girl cast-mates Leighton Meester and Jessica Szohr trying to say with this picture? The two were caught getting friendly at the Henri Bendel and Yves Saint Laurent Beaute Celebrate. The rumors surrounding fellow actors Chace Crawford and Ed Westwick hasn't hurt all the press they've gotten; perhaps it's time for the girls to get in on the act.

Katie Holmes regularly makes me want to stick my head in a litter box. She might be the hottest robot since Rosie from the Jetsons (instead of a French maid's uniform she prefers the early 90's French roll) but I'm sick and tired of seeing her everywhere and hearing about every time she blows her nose.

The only time I want to see Katie is when she's locked in a bathroom slugging Scotch and coming up with fun things to use Suri's name with...much like this:

This past weekend was the ALMA entertainment awards for accomplishments in the Latino community and the stars came out in full force. For some reason (from what many of the photos have me believe) it seems like the theme of the evening was "Senior Yearbook Photo" night. As with most yearbook photos, we have the good, the bad and the ugly. Let's review, shall we?

America Ferrera the cute girl next door, most likely to succeed.

Charlie Sheen, most likely to sleep with his teacher.

The Cheetah Girls, most likely to need Raven Symone back in their group.

In honor of it being Friday and my not wanting to use too many brain cells, I've decided to give you all some pretty pictures to gaze at along with a fun party trick you can take wherever you go. Seriously, it might even help you get laid.

I have to start out with my favorite "are they" "aren't they" couple, Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan. They are adorable together - whether they're just bosom buddies or if they're scissor sisters they get two very enthusiastic thumbs up.

Now two people I can do without: Tila Tequila and Paris Hilton.

Can someone please explain Tila Tequila's fame to me? Sure, her name is fun to say - it slips off the tongue more easily than say, St. Pauli Girl, but that's where her party stops. Is it because she's bisexual? I've got news for you, she's not bisexual she's just greedy.

If I had the means, I don't think I'd want to be famous for being rich - unless I actually made the money myself for utilizing a talent. Paris Hilton doesn't seem to mind though. Coining phrases like, "That's hot," making sex tapes (which I heard were pretty boring) and carrying a dog around as an accessory isn't considered a talent. I must say though, her boobs do look good in this picture.

Clay Aiken and his BFF Jaymes Foster have welcomed a baby boy into their asexual world. Congrats to the new parents and heartfelt condolences to the baby who will, no doubt, be the target of much harassment for years to come.

You may have been asking yourself, "Where in the HELL is Chubby lately?" Or maybe you haven't been. Who knows -it's summer time and you're probably too worried about how much SPF you should be putting on or whether or not you're getting pit stains in the shirt you're wearing. For those of you who have been wondering, I've had to spend some time on other projects around the Tribune home. Something similar to Chubbyjones, however not the same, can be found here on a daily basis. Enjoy.

Chubby Jones may turn into something else (approval from the powers that be TBD). What would you like to read/hear/see on here? That hot bitch Oprah already stole my vegan thunder. Jackie Warner can tell you how to work out a lot better than I can and Tales from the Wii Fit can really only go so far. Feel free to drop me an email or put a comment below.

Why? Why are Dinah and Ali Lohan getting their own reality show on the E! network? Haven't the Lohans learned from their mistakes? Can't they at least wait until Ali is of legal drinking age so that she can enter rehab at a more acceptable age? And Dinah, we get it, you're a MILF, you kind of look like Diane Lane, but couldn't you be more of a parent and less of a z-list celebrity? Haven't you seen what's been happening to the Spears family? Oh, and the show will be taking place in Vegas...Who wants to put bets on which of the Lohans is going to be coming out with a sex tape quicker, mother or daughter?

Either the only people auditioning for American Idol these days are lovers of being in the buff, or Randy, Simon and Paula have a keen eye for spotting naked talent. This season's best (non) dressed contestant may be David Hernandez.. As a stripper at the mostly male venue, Dick's Cabaret, Hernandez's voice wasn't likely what got him the job. We say: Who cares? Take a look at all of the celebrities whose sex tapes have circulated the internet and whose stardom led to gracing the pages of Playboy Magazine. Maybe what the public really wants is a bare American idol.

Anna Nicole Smith hasn't been punished enough, she is now going to be played by Nick Carter's ex, Willa Ford, in a new biopic. Here is the trailer

Nothing, I repeat NOTHING, will compare to the Anna Nicole Smurf parody:

We're not sure why some people are making such a fuss about this, we feel that it makes perfect sense for Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards to be the new face for Loius Vuitton. Slap a bunch of brown L's and V's on that leathery old face of his and he could probably be mistaken for one of their bags.

Exqueeze us OK! Magazine, but your reports that super doofus Keanu "Woah" Reeves and super cute indie queen Parker Posey might be a new couple MUST be lies. According to the mag rag, the two were seen "cozying up" at the Chateau Marmont. Gross. If anything, Posey must've been explaining basic algebra to him.

The BBC will be producing another reality television program in which contestants are judged for their modeling skills. The catch? All of the women will be disabled. Does this mean we can compete since we are stricken with large guts and short stature? We've always wanted to do some modeling - preferably while holding a bag of Cheetos.

Excuse us, but Nicole Richie and Joel Madden's baby, Harlow, is one of the cutest babies we've seen in a long time, she may even be up there with Shiloh. Too bad her mom's BFF is such a waste of space.

It's possible that one of Brooke Hogan's friends was more of a Hulkomaniac than she knew. The 33 year old friend, Christiane Plante, went to the most trusted of sources (The National Enquirer) to tell them of the hanky panky. Classy.

Holy crap, someone call M. Night Shamayalan. This woman gave birth a few weeks ahead of schedule while going to the bathroom on a train. The baby then FELL to the tracks after being passed through the toilet and somehow survived.