Chubby Jones

My favorite Oxycodone-taking shoplifting actress of all-time, Winona Ryder, had to be hospitalized after getting sick on a flight from L.A. to London. It's a real shame that this is the first time I've heard her name in the headlines in a long time but I suppose it's better than seeing her on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt must have taken their once-a-year break from having (or adopting) babies! They're just now hearing that Jennifer Aniston isn't all that ok with the way her marriage with Brad publicly unraveled. The couple was reportedly "totally thrown" by what Jen had to say in her latest interview with Vogue magazine. Jen probably wishes they were thrown - off a moving train.

Remember when Angie told a reporter about how she fell in love with Brad while they were filming "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"? Remember how Brad was married to Jen at that time? Well, Aniston had this to say about Jolie's comments, “That stuff about how she couldn’t wait to get to work every day? That was really uncool.” I'd be inclined to say that -that was a complete understatement. But somehow this has come out of nowhere for America's favorite adulterous couple. A "source" close to them says they thought Jen ”moved on … and wouldn’t want to reopen this old wound.” Don't they understand that it isn't Jen who wanted to reopen the big gaping hole that is her heart? It's AMERICA that does! We haven't let Aniston forget about Brangelina for two seconds. It's been, what, a few years now and somehow the only questions interviewers can think to ask her revolve around Brad and Angie. It's all about those two; never about poor Jennifer. I bet she remembers the good old days when everyone wanted her hair cut. I could have cared less about Jennifer before the breakup but then I saw her on Oprah's couch talking about how she loves dirty martinis and chips and salsa and decided we could be friends. Team Aniston all the way!

Page Six is reporting a Hollyweird hookup between Mac dude, Justin Long and bisexual greedy Tila Tequila. I find this gross on so many levels but I suppose I shouldn't find it all that bizarre. Both Justin and Tila are B-/C+ list celebrities with a penchant for getting their freak on. Still, I can't picture them together even when last call was given at the after after party.

Poor Lindsay Lohan, you know you've pretty much hit rock bottom when you get replaced by Denise Richards. After being booted from "Ugly Betty" Lohan still had the World Music Awards to look forward to hosting - but now she'll have to watch it from home. I have no clue what made Lindsay qualified to host this event in the first place. At least she has an album or two out and her girlfriend is a DJ. Denise Richards, as far as I know, isn't even playing with Richie Sambora's whammy bar anymore so why on earth was she picked to take her place? I would think that someone more connected with the music industry might be a better match for an awards show dedicated to music.

Don't feel too bad for Corey Haim, sure he's got some bad drug problems, a failed career and he wasn't able to snag CoreyHaim.com (he had to go with dot US) - he's getting married! Yes, the lucky lady to snag Mr. Haim is Tiffany Shepis.

According to Corey's official website, the two first met 12 years ago on the set of "Fever Lake". It's been years since they've seen each other but recently they found each other and found love at some convention they were signing autographs at. I'll bet Tiffany has been hot after him since "Fast Getaway".

I like his style, that's exactly the way I dress for success too. Overalls were the jam, we need to bring those back pronto.

Someone with way too much money in their bank account just paid the lord of the water, Michael Phelps, $100,000 to do laps during his wife's pool party. Haven't these people heard what's happening with our economy? I'm not sure it was worth it even if there was some breaststroke involved.

If someone wants to pay me $50 to dress up in a bee costume and re-enact the Blind Melon "No Rain" video, I'm available.

Is it just me or does anyone else find Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow's friendship a weird pairing? Madonna is so out there and all over the place while Gwyneth seems like she's frozen in place. Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell's past friendship I understood, but this? Do they talk about the latest Coldplay album or how Earl Gray tea is different than others? Do they align their chis during yoga class together?

Well apparently these two are super close, in fact I bet Gwynny has Madge on her cell phone's family plan. During Madonna's tough time with the divorce Gwyneth has been her bony shoulder to cry on. Paltrow says, "She's a very good friend. I'm supporting her in all the ways that I can. I'm just there for her. I speak to her a lot." That brings a tear to my eyes. It reminds me of a song. Madonna, Gwyneth, here's a song for the two of you in honor of your friendship.

J. Lo and Marc Anthony renewed their marital vows this past weekend in Las Vegas. The ceremony took place at 3:30 a.m. right after their friends Carlos Beltran and his wife Jessica did their own.

Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking? A long night of drinking led to a PARTNER SWAP! Which in turn led to renewal of marital vows. Hear me out, Beltran plays for the Mets and baseball players are notorious for swinging their bats more at away games than home games ifyaknowwhatI'msayin'. I'm sure after looking at Marc Anthony's face for four years and having his babies J. Lo was ready for a pinch hitter.

Hey if it works for fellow fake non-Scientologists Will and Jada Smith, it can totally work for Jen and Marc.

Apparently all of the "internet rumors" circulating about Amy Winehouse being on suicide watch are untrue. "She's fine," says the voices in her head her London representative to People Magazine. Oh yes, she looks like a vision of rare beauty and health these days - see? I'll bet she bathes in Evian, camomile and lavender.

Travis Barker has made it out of the hospital! Sources say he is on a bus back to L.A. and won't be getting his mile-high club wings anymore.

I wonder what this near-death experience will do to him. Sometimes people turn to drugs but I feel like he's already kinda been there. Religion perhaps? He better make sure Tom Cruise and Will Smith stay away from him - I don't think the world needs another Scientologist. Will he get back with his ex-wife Shanna Moakler for the ten-millionth time? Place your bets now people.

In honor of this weekend's nuptials between Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson I've decided to post a picture of Ryan's ex, Alanis Morisette, looking like she doesn't have a care in the world.

Maybe she just finished singing "I am Woman Hear Me Roar" or "Uninvited" as in, "You d-bags aren't going to be invited to my wedding...whenever that happens." Good for you Alanis, you tell them.

Ryan and Scarlett started their perfect abs/boobs relationship about a year and a half ago and have been engaged since last May. I don't know where ScarJo found the time to plan a wedding between acting in Woody Allen's movies, campaigning for Obama and putting out an album. Maybe Ryan did the whole thing and that's why it was held at a wilderness resort in Vancouver. He probably wanted an excuse to grow out his facial hair like Grizzly Adams.

Finally, I can sleep at night not having to wonder what the terms of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson's relationship is. The two were on the phone with Loveline radio host, Stryker, talking about DJ AM's recent plane crash when the host asked Lindsay how long the two have been dating. Nice move Stryker! Lindsay gave a little giggle but confirmed that they've been together for a while now.

I'm not gonna lie, when the LiLo-SamRo media attention started I was kind of worried it was going to be more of a hit-it-and-quit-it kind of deal for the two of them. Thank you for proving me wrong and for making Wilbur Valderrama feel like more of a d-bag than he already is. Also, I think they're adorable together.

Wow, how much do I not care about this category? Jeff Probst won for his work on Survivor. My dog just farted, that's about how I feel too.

Oooh, Mary Tyler More is onstage and is creeping me out while also looking better in a dress than me. Betty White makes me want to have milk and chocolate chip cookies. She is so cute I can't stand it. She looks like she knows how to cuddle.

30 Rock wins the Emmy for Outstanding Comedy Series and Tina Fey just keeps getting more and more attractive.

Speaking of attractive, Tom Selleck's dimples just made love to me through the television. He's presenting the last award of the night for Outstanding Drama Series. Mad Men takes the prize and Kenley from Project Runway probably thinks she had something to do with it.

Until next year - or tomorrow when I have better pictures of ugly outfits - keep it sleazy.

The folks at the Emmys are actually paying attention to the clock, especially Kiefer Sutherland. Instead of trying to steal a winner's thunder with an amazing little bit, he chose to let them have time to thank their wives, mistresses and managers. The Best Lead Actor in a Drama Series is: Brian Cranston (formerly Malcom in the Middle's dad) for Breaking Bad.

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series goes to...Tina Fey for 30 Rock. I'm totally doing the Electric Slide right now. Boogie woogie woogie.

Outstanding Host of a Reality Competition Television Emmy goes to...I'm hoping for Heidi Klum. If Ryan Seacrest or Howie Mandel win - I am boycotting the Emmys forever.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie goes to...Paul Giamatti for John Adams. Can't we just say John Adams won the whole thing? Why are we watching these awards? We should just have a nonstop night of John Adams.

Candace Bergen gave the Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. Guess who that was? Alec Baldwin. Barf. I guess he really told those people at My Name is Earl!

Ugly Betty's Vanessa Williams has some microphone problems while presenting for Lead Actress in a Drama Series. It's cool Vanessa, just stand there and look beautiful. Glenn Close won the award for her role in Damages. America Ferrera is normally so adorable but I am not a fan of her big black dress. She can rock color.

Oh man, now for the In Memorium. I forgot how many incredibly funny people we lost this year: George Carlin, Estelle Getty, Sydney Pollack, Bernie Mac, Harvey Korman. I'm ready to cry into my wine glass now.

Neil Patrick Harris is so dapper in his tux. Not surprisingly, the show's hosts have been taking too much time so all of the presenters have lost time for their bits. After seeing any of the completed bits I think it's safe to say we haven't missed much of anything.

The winner of Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program is...Don Rickles. He deserves it as far as I'm concerned; he's been the funniest person on the show so far.

Kate Walsh looks cold and bitter - but still sexy. Wayne Brady is boring and I'm glad they didn't find a way for him to sing.

Oustanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series is Glynn Turner.

Oustanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series is Cynthia Nixon.

These are going too quickly for me to write about but so slowly I need some Red Bull on top of a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. If someone could send that over stat, I'd appreciate it.

Best Directing for a Drama Series goes to...Greg Yaitanes for House. Awesome - House is one of those shows I can watch at all times.

Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series goes to...Matthew Weiner for Mad Men's "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes". I really need to start watching that show. Between the acting, the fashion, the whiskey and the smoking - it's like my dream.

Howie Mandel is just weird. That is all.

Sandra Oh and McDreamy gave out the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie which went to yet another Dame...I didn't catch her name though.

Kathy Griffin and Don Rickles are on the stage and Kathy makes everyone stand up and clap for the legend, Mr. Rickles. It's not every day that someone can leave Kathy Griffin speechless, but the Don seems to have done it. I was hoping she'd tell Jesus to suck it again but it didn't happen.

They give the Emmy for Outstanding Reality Television to The Amazing Race. Why wasn't The Biggest Loser nominated? That show is my jam.

Sally Field presents the award for Outstanding Miniseries. The winner is...John Adams. Tom Hanks comes up to accept an award for what is apparently the biggest show on earth right now. He's looking old these days - and totally is rocking some granny glasses. Not just old person glasses, but grandma glasses. Rita Wilson, where is your fashion guidance when he needs it?

I missed whoever won for Best Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie because I was thinking about Lawrence Fishburne and how he once did coke with a friend of mine from college and Bijou Phillips at a nightclub years ago. Oh, and he's coming to CSI!

Now Stephen Colbert is eating prunes and he and Jon Stewart are somehow turning prunes into a zing at John McCain and George Bush. I can't wait for a pig with lipstick to jump on stage.

More awards for things I hadn't heard of pre-Emmys:

Best Directing of a Miniseries, Movie or Dramatic Special goes to Jay Roach for Recount. I have no clue who he is but he gave a shout out to Susanna Hoffs from the Bangles! If he's married to her then I support his win whole-heartedly.

Outstanding Writing for a Miniseries, Move or Dramatic Special goes to...Kirk Ellis for John Adams. I guess maybe I'll have to start getting interested in history.

The more I look at Martin Sheen the more I can see his sons, Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estavez. Speaking of Emilio, where the hell has he been lately? Is he pissed that Charlie is the highest paid TV actor out there these days? I know I am. Has Disney really had enough of The Mighty Ducks franchise? They should really consider turning the movie into a TV show - starring Zack and Cody and Raven Symone. I'd watch that in a heartbeat.

Ooooh, Christian Slater and Christina Applegate have made the stage. Christian hasn't changed since Heathers. Christina Applegate has only gotten better - and yet again I have to say that she looks fantastic.

They present the award for Best Made for Television Movie, which goes to Recount - yet another made-for-tv movie I never saw. When are these things being aired and why can't they sound more interesting?

Alec Baldwin was given the opportunity to present an award? Why? Sure, he's a great actor but he's also a gigantic a-hole. Do we really need to bring up the whole phone call to his daughter thing? Anyhole, and the Best Lead Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie goes to...Laura Linney for John Adams. Man, everyone loves that miniseries or a movie, it got like a million nominations.

It's a really good thing Microsoft got rid of those stupid Jerry Seinfield commercials. The new ones aren't that great but the Seinfield ones were torturous.

I don't remember cooking up meth but this Laugh-In sketch is making me feel like maybe I did.

And the Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series Emmy goes to...The Daily Show with John Stewart. Um, hells to the yeah.

Lauren Conrad and Christian Siriano are announced for designing the dresses worn by the awards girls. Lauren, while incredibly annoying, actually looks really good. Too bad she corrects her co-presenter David Boreanaz for taking her line...eventhough he's an ACTUAL ACTOR!! Now we go into lightning round Emmy giveaways:

The winner of the Emmy for Guest Actor in a Comedy Series is Tim Conway

The winner of the Emmy for Guest Actress in a Comedy Series is Catherine something for Desperate Housewives.

Best Directing for a Comedy Series goes to Barry Sonnefeld for Pushing Daisies (which I just got in to at the very end of the season).

The winner for Writing for a Comedy Series goes to...Tina Fey!! She came up with one of my very favorite lines of all time in Mean Girls, "I don't hate you because you're fat; you're fat because I hate you." Gigantic girl crush over here.

Conan is talking about The Simpsons right now but all I can concentrate on are his bangs. No matter how much hairspray I used back in 7th grade, I was never able to get them to stand up like his. For that, I hate him. He got a great zing on Katherine Heigl though.