It is actor D.B. Sweeney's birthday today which means tonight I will blow the dust off of my VHS copy "The Cutting Edge". The farting dogs and I will relish in how delightfully early-90's it is. Next week I won't be able to stop saying, "Toe pick!" and now you'll know why.

I spent a good 15 minutes this morning trying to find that old video of a presumably drugged-up Joaquin Phoenix to post with this "Happy Birthday" shout out - but it turns out I don't really need it because I've got a better video to post.

At last night's benefit for Paul Newman's Association of Hole in the Wall Camps, the actor told an E! news reporter that he's finished acting. When the reporter questions him and thinks Joaquin is joking with him (because really, why the hell would Joaquin give a a random E! news dude this type of exlusive?) he seems pissed off. I get the sense that he might need a Zoloft prescription...maybe a few hugs for good measure.

Today is a great day for celebrity birthdays! Of course we've got the good looks of Mr. Scarlett Johansson, Ryan Reynolds, and 90210 star Jessica Stroup, but we've also got a weirdo and a crazy.

Nobody does weird better than Weird Al Yankovic.

Normally I would just post one of Weird Al's videos but I just had to use this photo of him because I have the exact same Threadless t-shirt as he does and I wear it at least once a week.

Someone who is more crazy than weird but still elicits laughter is birthday girl Nancy Grace.

Happy Chubby birthday everyone!

I think this picture says a whole lot about this relationship and where it's going (into a time out).

Mariah Carey has always seemed like such a diva and control freak it amazes me that she would open up her playpen to NIck Cannon, no matter how great his pecs are. I saw her MTV Cribs episode, she's enough of a princess, she doesn't need someone with cooties running around her maxi pad.

Should we start placing bets on their break-up now?

On this birthday, I can only hope that Annie Liebowitz will no longer be associated with Miley Cyrus.

Annie shares her birthday with my favorite tantric sex fanatic, Sting.

I wonder if he just stays at home and looks at himself naked in the mirror on the weekends. I think I'd do that if I were him.

One of my favorite pop stars of yesteryear, Tiffany is celebrating her birthday today. I don't know whose Bubbie she borrowed this dress from but it needs to go back on the rack next to the track suit.

Regis Philbin better be naked and jumping out of a cake this morning. His co-host, Kelly Rippa is celebrating her 38th birthday. Does this look like 38 to you? Is she on the Chinese women's gymnastics team?

Last and least out of this bunch, it is Pedro's birthday! Does anyone else think he kind of looks like a mix between Steve Buschemi and Robert Smith?

It's Joan Jett's birthday today and she is still one hot piece. I hope that when I turn 50 I can look this good and pull off some leatha' pants.

Nick Cave, on the other hand, is one scary looking dude.

Toni Basil is 65 today and she's got better style than I do. She was a guest judge on last season's So You Think You Can Dance and if I had a nickel for every time she talked about making things "street" I could go ahead and get that $5 footlong from Subway I've been dreaming about.

Yeah yeah it's Adam West's birthday today too and he's got a new bust in his likeness available for purchase as of today. Act fast, there's only 1,000 out there. In his 80 years I think he's gotten enough high fives so today will be Tegan and Sara's turn.

I have a huge affinity for Canadians in general, but Canadians with great hair deserve special attention. The Quin twins have been making catchy pop music for over ten years. Five albums later they're still young and making great tunes. Their latest album, The Con, is filled with maturity and a sweetness that only regret can bring out. One of my favorite tracks is "Call it Off" which you can find below.

Wow, for the minimal amount of celebrity birthdays we had yesterday today's list more than makes up for it! Let's see who's blowing the candles out today:

It turns out September 17th isn't a very famous birthday date. I don't even think any of the millions of pregnant celebrities are going into labor today. So, we'll have to settle with the two celebs who tickle my pickle (the rest of the group was fine and all, but, they didn't make it to my guest list - sorry).

Cassandra "Elvira" Peterson. Her cleavage hasn't aged one bit and she's still doing the goth thing better than most angsty high school kids.

Dreamboat Matthew Settle from Gossip Girl is another year older and another year foxier. My friend Jackie is obsessed with him to the point of YouTube stalking. Every day I get a link to a clip of him playing Rufus (usually it's the Lincoln Hawk clip from last season). I can almost literally hear her swoon just by the mention of his name. So, for making Jackie's heart melt, here's to hoping your birthday cake is delicious.

Happy birthday wishes go out to all of these famous people today:

Nick Jonas, a 15 year old who makes a crap ton more money than I do.

Alexis Bledel, former Gilmore Girl who travels with her pants these days.

Amy Poehler, whose Hilary Clinton impersonation is inspiring.

Marc Anthony whose music I never got into.

Jennifer Tilly who shouldn't have gone red.

Molly Shannon: Superstar.

Richard Marx looking SOOOOOOOOO much better without the mullet.

David Copperfield whose magic must've helped him look exactly the same as he did ten years ago.

Mickey Rourke who needs some of David Copperfield's magic...damn he looks bad.

Ed Begley Jr. who has some great environmentally-friendly ideas.

B.B. King, still talking about makin' love at 83.

Lauren Bacall who kind of looks like Kathleen Turner at 84!