Dear Nicholas Cage,

Up until now, it was your nostrils that scared me the most. I'm sure if you really wanted to you could raise all of the Octomom's babies up in those bad boys and still have room for Jon & Kate's 8 now that they're having marriage problems. But today I see this picture and your hair is the thing that really makes my skin crawl.

What the hell died on your head and why are you letting it rot there? No one believes that is your natural hair color. I'm sure even the box of Grecian Formula for Men ran away kicking and screaming when you picked it up. Let go of the dream of having hair, bad hair is worse than no hair. In fact, dare I say it, you'd make kind of a foxy bald dude if you gave it a shot. Even my screwed up photoshop skills make you look better as a baldy:

I beseech you Mr. Cage - do something about this soon. My eyes will thank you so they can wander back up into the endless abyss of your nostrils.